


Scream Out Your Name To The Night

by Saral_Hylor



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Implied Child Abuse, Implied Drug Use, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jensen isn't known for his good ideas, M/M, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, because it's easier than facing reality, but it does get better, but this might just work, running away from life and problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-11 20:53:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saral_Hylor/pseuds/Saral_Hylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was adamant that he had no emotional attachment whatsoever to Jake Jensen, yet somehow, when the other boy appeared at his bedroom window with a bloody nose, ripped shirt, $2000 to his name and the keys to a beat up old Ford truck and asked Carlos to run away with him, he found himself agreeing to go.</p><p>Now Complete</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dial 'H' for Whore

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this idea came from, or how this story is even going to end. I do know that you should listen to some of the following bands while reading this, as they made up the soundtrack I used while writing this.  
> The Butterfly Effect; Deligma; Behind Crimson Eyes; Sick Puppies; The Getaway Plan; Thousand Needles in Red; Karnivool and The Living End - some seriously good Australian bands. 
> 
> This was not the High School AU that I intended posting up here, that is still in the works. This story pretty much hit me like a Mack truck and I'm just running with it.  
> I thought I'd put it up here to see what people thought. Please let me know what you think! I'm begging you!
> 
> Chapter title is a song by Behind Crimson Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now beta'd by quandong_crumble.  
> Thank her for pointing out the terrible flaws in my English.

The first time that Carlos met Jake he’d walked into the school toilets and come across a scene he’d never quite be able to remove from his mind.

One of the students from the same homeroom class as him, Carlos had instantly recognised him as dangerous and someone best avoided, was standing there zipping up the fly of his jeans. That seemed to be a normal enough activity given the location, what put Carlos’ hackles up, however, was the way the senior was leering at the lanky, blond boy bent over the sink, rinsing his mouth out.

The senior picked up a stack of paper off the counter, shouldered one of the two backpacks that were dumped on the floor, and, to Carlos’ horror, fished a couple of notes out of his pocket. He threw the money in the general direction of the blond before pushing past Carlos and disappearing back out into the corridor.

The blond eyed Carlos wearily for a moment; practically dove on the money, but once it was safely tucked into the pocket of his shorts he grinned easily at the other boy. With his full attention now on the other boy, Carlos saw that he had a black eye behind the round John Lennon-like glasses. The knees of his shorts looked slightly damp, smudged a bit with grime. As though…

As though he’d been kneeling down.

The suddenly realisation of what had just happened hit Carlos, his eyes going wide, staring at the other student; he could smell it now, over the top of the strong stench of cleaning products.

The blond’s grin faltered slightly, but he recovered and raised one hand in a half-hearted wave. “Hey. You’re Carlos Alvarez, right?”

Carlos raised an eyebrow inquisitively. How did this boy know who he was, he’d only been at the school a week, and he was pretty sure that he had not yet met this student, not that he’d come to know anyone really, but he was sure that he hadn’t seen him in any of his classes.

He’d been about to actually voice the question, but the blond seemed to pick up on the expression and apparently didn’t need any other interaction to continue talking.

“I help out in the admin office some time, you know, computers and stuff, help with the databases, it’s all a bit above the office lady’s head sometimes.” He tucked his hands in his pockets, shoulders pulled up slightly in a permanent shrug. “And there aren’t a lot of new students, certainly not in the upper levels. Plus, I know almost everyone, except you, so I figured you must be one Carlos Alvarez. You’re in Mr Rodecker’s home group, yes? You’re taking AP Maths and Chemistry, English, History and Phys Ed.”

Carlos nodded slowly, the boy certainly knew a lot. He was slightly distracted though, unable to help but glance back at the other boy’s knees again; now that the idea was in his head, he couldn’t shake the image that had formed. He was lucky that he very rarely blushed, otherwise it would have been a total give away.

The blond stepped forward, scrubbing his hands on his shirt, leaving damp patches across his chest. Sticking one hand out, the smile increased. “I’m Jensen, Jake Jensen. Kinda like Bond, James Bond, minus the tux, but just as badass. I’m a junior. And totally not a stalker. I just like knowing stuff, and it all sticks, I tend not to forget things.”

Carlos shook Jake’s hand quickly, meeting his eye only out of politeness. “Uh, nice to meet you.”

Jake’s grin broadened, growing more sincere. “Nice to meet you too.”

He turned away, picking up the backpack that was still on the floor and rummaging around in it for a moment before slinging it over his shoulder. Jake was part way through tucking the money into his wallet when Carlos cleared his throat quietly, but enough to catch the blond’s attention. When the junior glanced up at him, Carlos could only nod towards the money, eyebrows raised quizzically.

“Huh? Oh, the money?” The grin faded, the younger boy shrugged with one shoulder. “Um, some of the guys, they pay me to do their homework and stuff.”

He didn’t ask for clarification as to what ‘stuff’ was, Jensen didn’t offer the information, and Carlos was relieved, he didn’t think he really wanted to actually hear it said. Instead he asked the other, more innocent, question. “Why are you doing senior’s homework?”

The blond grinned again, it was brittle and tight. “Because I’m brilliant and I need the money, and they’re just dumb enough to pay me. I mean, I could be in college by now, but my father thinks being at school and having social interaction with my peers is better for me than challenging my super intelligent brain. But, as you can probably tell, I fail with the peers thing and a dead trout probably has more social skills than I do. I can totally understand if you turn and run a mile right now, just about everyone else does when they realise I’m weird. And then there is all the stuff that other people say about me, and there’s plenty of reason not to want to be seen with me. But, hey, you want to be friends?”

Carlos could merely blink at the boy for a moment, trying to process the rush of what he’d said and trying to figure out if Jake had even taken a breath in the time it had taken him to say everything. He watched as the grin flattened out, blue eyes dulling as the blond turned his face away. Carlos knew that the junior was taking his silence as a negative, but he wasn’t entirely sure what his response was going to be. He’d never had friendship propositioned to him before; in the past he found friendships just formed if there were enough shared interests and general feelings of content between people. To be simply asked outright like that threw him a bit, but then, Jake had just said he had no social skills. He certainly hadn’t been wrong.

Hunching his shoulders over, Jake started towards the door. “Yeah, figures, you’re new, don’t want to tarnish your rep. That’s fine, not like it’s the first time.”

The senior stood there, he was about to let the other boy just walk out the door, but the older brother instinct in him kicked in; it was perfectly honed, having three younger siblings. The downtrodden look on the younger boy’s face was what triggered it, Carlos tried to ignore it, but something told him that maybe what Jake really needed was a chance.

He didn’t reach out to stop him, just turned slightly. “Maybe we can hang out sometime. Yes?”

Jake stopped, eyeing him wearily for a moment, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He seemed to be studying Carlos’ face intently, looking for something in particular. The older boy couldn’t help but wonder how many other guys had suggested they ‘hang out’ only as a way to get ‘stuff’ done for them.

To clarify Carlos quirked the corner of his mouth up in a small smile. “As friends.”

The change that came over the blond was instantaneous; the weariness left his eyes, body relaxed and he smiled, actually smiled, he didn’t grin. “Yeah, as friends. Anyway, class starts soon. Seeya round, Alvarez.”

The bell to signal the beginning of the school day sounded just as the junior slipped out the door and disappeared into the corridor. Carlos stayed there until the bell stopped ringing, trying to figure out what had just happened.


	2. Song For The Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut. Not overly graphic and certainly not the best written.
> 
> You have been warned. 
> 
> Chapter title is a song by The Living End
> 
> Now beta'd by quandong_crumble. My lovely lovely beta who is far less dumb about spelling and grammar than I am.

He saw Jensen sporadically over the next week. The junior would occasionally appear at lunch and sit outside with him, talking nonstop, or he’d bump into him in the corridor and say a quick hello. For most part, it suited Carlos; he was still new, and after the initial attempts everyone made at engaging him in conversations, most people had given up due to his natural tendency to being quiet.

That's what made it so easy with Jensen, the younger boy didn't expect him to talk, just seemed content to chatter away. He didn't even care if Carlos stopped listening. At least he never said that he did.

There were times that the younger boy seemed to outright avoid being around Carlos, and as far as the senior could tell, whenever that happened it normally meant Jensen was busy doing homework and stuff for some of the seniors. They only ever seemed to be guys; Carlos had made a bit of habit of observing the younger boy, and he only ever seemed to be approached by male seniors. It sparked a protective streak in the older boy; he felt like he should do something, but he hardly knew Jake, for one, and two, he didn't know for sure what was actually happening. Besides, it wasn't any of his business.

It was the middle of his third week at school; the bell had just rang signalling the beginning of lunch, and, due to a double study period, the end of his school day. Carlos, however, had homework, he didn't mind homework so much, but it was Math. Calculus. It was nearly the bane of his existence.

He was studying the notes that his teacher had given the class as he made his way towards the student car park. Since the high school was in the opposite direction to the middle and elementary schools that his younger siblings attended, he was allowed to drive himself to and from school. With his erratic schedule due to study periods and the late track practice on Tuesdays, it certainly made sense to have a car. Not that it was his; it was just the second family car.

He'd made it halfway across the car park when he heard someone call out to him. Carlos turned and saw Jake sitting on the tray of a flash looking truck, swinging his legs casually.

"Hey Alvarez. Heading home? Oh what you got there?" Jensen's eyes locked onto the papers the other boy was holding. He slid off the tray, dragging his bag up onto his shoulder and crossed the car park to Carlos.

The senior didn't protest as Jake tilted the papers toward himself to read through the questions.

"Ooh, this stuff, I like these sorts of problem." Jake smiled at the other boy, rocking on the balls of his feet.

"I don't really understand it." Carlos admitted with a bit of a shrug. "Going home to work on it."

Jensen glanced away, tucking his hands in his pockets, leaning back further than before. "I could always do it for you. Won't cost you nothing, I mean, we're friends."

"No. I will do it. But," Carlos faltered for a moment, wondering if he really wanted to suggest what he was thinking. "You could show me how, maybe?"

The baffled look the junior gave him spoke volumes; it couldn't have been often that someone asked for help rather than just making Jensen do the work for them.

A small, shy smile graced the blond's lips after a moment. "Yeah, sure. That sounds good. I can do that. When would suit you? Now suits me. I was supposed to be doing stuff for Wade, but I don't really like him. Much rather spend time with you."

Carlos didn't ask which one was Wade, and he didn't ask what stuff was either; he was still pretty sure that he didn't want to know. He didn’t ask if Jensen had classes after lunch either, he figured that the boy would simply talk his way out of it. He simply nodded and continued towards his car.

"Can, you maybe buy me lunch, or you know, buy yourself lunch and let me steal it." Jensen had the sense to look sheepish, a light blush spreading across his cheekbones. "I missed breakfast and Wade normally gets me lunch Wednesdays. But I like you better. You're nice."

Carlos simply nodded as he unlocked the car, throwing his backpack onto the back seat before climbing in to the driver's seat.

 

***

 

They went past McDonald's on the way back to the Alvarez residents after much indecision on Jake's part, Carlos decided for the both of them.

The house was empty when they got there, but Carlos still took the younger boy through to his room, where he set up the books in his desk.

The next hour was spent going over the questions, Jensen’s explanations of the processes and easiest steps to follow interrupted only by him munching on fries or slurping at his cola; he ended up drinking Carlos' as well. The senior was rather surprised, partially by the fact that Jake managed to stay on topic the whole time, explaining things in various different ways until it finally made sense; it was obvious that he really was too smart to be kept in school. But more than that, it all made sense, the equations that had swam around in his head during class suddenly settled and it just worked.

As he shut his books, putting them back in his backpack, Carlos became aware of the side long glances the younger boy was giving him. He raised an eyebrow, questioning.

Jake blushed slightly, but turned to look the senior dead in the eye. "You want help with anything else? You know, any other _stuff_ you want me to do?"

The hand that rested high up on his thigh clued Carlos into what exactly was being offered. He wasn't sure how to respond. He couldn't deny the heady burn of desire; the image of Jensen on his knees in front of him had been one that had turned him one countless times since he'd first met the blond.

So, he maintained eye contact and didn't say no as the hand travelled higher, rubbing at the semi hard on he already had.

Watching Jake slide off of his chair and shuffle forward on his knees was far hotter than it should have been; Carlos was already fully erect before the younger boy had even unzipped his fly and freed him from his pants. Then, before he could even adjust to the hand that gripped him gently, Jensen’s lips were parting around his erection, slowly taking more and more into his mouth.

The feeling was more than he'd expected, the wet heat that engulfed him as Jensen's mouth pulled up in a slow lazy motion, only to suck his way back down again, tongue working against sensitive flesh. Carlos couldn't help the way his eyes rolled back as they closed, the throaty moan that escaped, or the way his hand reached out for Jake; one curling over his shoulder, the other resting in blond hair, fingers carding through short strands.

As the paced picked up, he could feel heat pooling the base of the stomach, his hips jerking up to meet each downward motion.

He couldn't find words of warning when he knew he was about to come, instead he tried pushing at the boy's shoulder beneath his hand. Jake simply batted him away then brought his hand to fist around the fabric of Carlos' shirt, sucking with more vigour.

It was all he could do to not fall off the chair when he came; his torso curling forward, one hand tightening around blond hair, the other shifting to cradle the back of Jake's neck. His vision whited out momentarily and he heard himself moan out profanities in Spanish.

By the time he'd recovered, Jensen was sitting back, one arm resting on the senior's knees. He swallowed, dragging the back of his hand over his mouth. He looked up at the older boy expectantly, eyes glazed, cheeks flushed, red lips swollen.

As Carlos tucked himself back into his underwear, he watched Jensen drop his hand to his own crotch, rubbing himself through his shorts, letting out a soft moan.

"Well, that's a first." The blond muttered. When he saw the look of confusion, he gestured towards his lap. "Never gotten hard giving head before."

Carlos knew these things worked both ways, it was polite after all. Putting a hand on either shoulder he pushed the boy back, following him down to the floor. Propping himself up with one arm, legs tangled with Jake's, he undid the boy's pants, hand slipping under the layers of clothing.

He heard Jensen's breath hitch as he closed his hand around his erection. Careful strokes, alternated pace, causing an unintelligible string of muttering to pass his lips.

Their lips met by accident, both turning their heads at the wrong time. It was just a rough bump of mouths before Jake had wrapped his arms around the older boy's neck and kissed him fiercely. It was messy and inexperienced, but Carlos let the younger boy lead. He didn't let himself dwell on the potential consequences of actually kissing Jake.

Jake came with a cry, hips thrust up sharply, come splattering over his stomach. His breathing was ragged, eyes wide and unfocused.

Carlos waited a moment for Jake to relax, grabbing the corner of his sheet to clean them up. Once satisfied, he dropped his body down, laying across the younger boys chest, hip pressed against hip, draped diagonally over the other boy with his head resting against his opposite shoulder.

"Wow." Jensen breathed, laying flat on his back, arms spread out either side. "Never done that, been on the receiving end."

Carlos lifted himself up enough to give the younger boy an incredulous look.

"What? It's not like they think of anyone but themselves. Besides, it's the first time ever that I got turned on doing that. You must be special, eh Alvarez?" Despite the casual tone, Jensen’s smile was still slightly blissed out, but there was something else there, unreadable. He brought one hand up, fingers trailing through the older boy’s hair, tangling in the soft strands. “I like you, I reckon. This was, is, better than other times. Thanks, you know, for not leaving me frustrated.”

He wasn’t sure if it was that smile, the hand in his hair, or what Jensen had said, but Carlos found himself pushing in against the touch, turning his head, feeling the soft drag of fingernails along his scalp.

“Heh, you’re like a cat. Should call you kitty.” The younger boy teased, putting more pressure against the senior’s scalp. He chuckled at the glare the comment earned him. “Okay, so not kitty. Cat? Nah, too feminine. But look at you, you’re practically purring, and you just drape yourself over whomever or whatever you please. Very cat like. It’d be like a codename, it’d make you cool. But I guess you’d rather go for cool and dangerous, not cool and cute. Okay nothing cute and fluffy. Gotta be something that sounds cool too. Lion is a bit douche-y sounding. Tiger is too generic. Puma makes me think of shoes. Most of the big cat names don’t work. Sorry, kitty it is.”

Carlos glared harder, swatting the boy on the shoulder. He pulled back, pushed himself up by one arm, intending to move away.

“Okay, definitely not kitty. There’s always a cougar, but that implies that in this situation you should be a 40 year old woman.” He reached out, fingers snagging the collar of Carlos’ shirt, pulling him back down. “I was enjoying you being on top of me. Mostly on top of me anyway. However you look at it, it’s nice.”

The senior settled back down, one hand trailing up and down the arm that Jensen had extended out on the floor, not minding when the younger boy’s other arm draped over his lower back. “Cougar. I like that.”

“Cougar, Cougs, Cougmeister, Cougman.” Jake babbled under his breath, turning his head just enough to press his nose against the older boy’s forehead. “What about me? You going to give me a cool code name?”

“ _Parlanchín_.” The newly dubbed Cougar responded without hesitation.

“Ooh, Spanish, badass. What does it mean?”

“You talk too much.”

“Huh? I was just asking a quest… oh, I get it, smarty pants. You never complained about my talking before. I thought you liked listening. I can try talking less if you want.”

Cougar silenced Jake by slapping his hand down over his mouth. He propped himself back up again so he could see the younger boy’s face. “I like your talking.”

Jensen regarded him carefully until the hand was removed. “Um, hey, Cougs. You wanna be my boyfriend?”

The older boy jerked back, sitting up in one quick movement, staring at the junior in mild shock. “No.”

“Oh, okay.” Jake turned his face away, blush dark on his cheeks, words barely a mumble. “Why not? Is it ‘cause I do stuff for other guys? I can stop that, I can be exclusive. You know, suck your cock and only your cock.”

Cougar rocked carefully to his feet, finally zipping up his jeans again. It was not an easy thing to say, but the truth was, he barely knew Jake even as a friend. He was content with the other boy’s company, but he wouldn’t go as far to say that he liked him. Certainly not like that anyway. “No, _parlanchín_ , I just don’t, not like that. Friends. Yes?”

Jensen nodded slowly like he was contemplating something. After a minute he scrambled to his feet, hastily getting his clothes back in order, before stretching languidly, his shoulders and spine popping. When he finally looked back to the senior, the default grin was plastered on his face. “Not asking you to love me, Cougs. But, yeah, friends. We can do this again, right? I mean, just mess around. I’ll blow you whenever you want.”

There was so much that could go wrong with a situation like that, but it had been good. “Just mess around, _si_?”

The younger boy nodded. “Yeah, nothing exclusive, just you know, if we’re bored and horny kinda gig.”

“Okay.”

Jensen picked up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. The grin was as toothpaste commercial as ever, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Anyway, I should head off. Guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

He was out the door before he stopped, pivoting to face the older boy again. Cougar couldn’t read the expression on his face, not that he had time to before Jensen grabbed the front of his shirt, leant down and kissed him. As far as kisses went, it was far from perfect; too hard and too one-sided. Then it was over and Jake was gone with the closing of the front door.

He knew that he was right in not kissing the younger boy back; kissing involved too many emotions. Emotions meant attachment, and a kid as messed up as Jake Jensen obviously was, was not the sort of person to get attached to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I didn't fail too badly.  
> Currently working on chapter 4, so updates probably won't be as frequent after this. 
> 
> parlanchín is chatterbox according to Google Translate.


	3. We Want More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title song by The Living End. 
> 
> More explicit content. I promise the plot will become more evident after this chapter. I'm just trying to set up the dynamic between the characters. 
> 
> Chapter beta'd by quandong_crumble.

There were warning signs that Carlos Alvarez probably would have noticed, but Cougar certainly didn’t. Warning signs that there were forces outside of school that were also messing Jensen up. The black eye that the junior came to school with that he most definitely hadn’t had when he’d slipped out of Cougar’s bedroom window at 11pm the night before. The way that they always met up at his place, rather than Jensen’s; he didn’t even know where the younger boy lived.

Not that things were much better at school. Jensen made a point to spend every lunch, and every other spare minute they shared, hanging around the senior student. He’d become particularly obtuse to the looks that some of the other senior boys gave them, and when he realised that Cougar didn’t care what people said, Jensen had stopped avoiding him to save the older boy’s reputation. And Cougar did his unintentional best to dissuade anyone else from having any negative interaction with his friend; he developed a habit of catching the blond’s attention just before someone else could approach him. But they still tried. There were occasions when they succeeded in getting to Jensen first and the boy would disappear for a time, only to make his way back to Cougar later with money in his wallet and the inability to make eye contact with the older boy. He was still doing homework for a few of the seniors, so if the junior was missing the extra money he had been making doing _stuff_ all the time, he gave no indication.

There were warning signs too that Jake Jensen meant something to him. Over the course of the school year, it went from only Wednesday afternoon Math study and blow jobs, to whenever Jensen messaged him and offered to come over. Then, somewhere after the third month, Cougar found that he instigated at least a few of the hook ups. It was still just two guys getting bored and horny, that was what he told himself. But there was that distinct spark of jealousy whenever he saw Wade, or one of the others, hanging around his Jake.

It was the beginning Christmas break, Cougar was home by himself, his school had finished a week before his younger siblings did. He hadn't seen Jake since school broke up. They hadn't talked about how it'd work over the holidays, but he found his phone in his hand, tapping out a message to Jensen.

<Bored. You ever done more?>

It hadn't been something that'd come up in conversation; sure he'd thought about, caught himself staring at Jake's arse countless times, wondering if anyone else had been there yet, whether he could be the first.

His phone beeped, pulling him from his thoughts.

<More than blow jobs and jerking off?>

<Si>

<No. They only ever wanted me to suck them off. Ur the only 1 who wants to touch me.>

Cougar felt his heart lurch, cock twitching in his pants. He didn't realise he'd wanted to fuck Jensen so bad until then.

<You want to do more? With me?>

There was nothing for a while, he was about to give up and just jerk off when his phone beeped again.

<I can be there in an hour. I'll grab stuff on the way.>

 

Jensen was there just over an hour later; bundled up in a jacket, blue and white wool scarf wound tightly around his neck, beanie pulled down low over his ears. He smiled at Cougar, a little nervous, when the older boy opened the front door and lead the way to his room.

With the bedroom door closed, it suddenly seemed all too real. Cougar perched on the edge of his desk, watching as Jensen fidgeted, taking off his jacket and scarf. The blond couldn’t stay still; rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet, taking his glasses off and wiping them with the bottom of his shirt, putting them back on only to immediately make another attempt at cleaning them. He wasn’t talking for once, which was probably more concerning; just standing there in his socks, jeans, long sleeved tee shirt and beanie, looking too young for the situation. Cougar just watched; part of him wanted to start undressing the younger boy, to see him naked and to be able to touch him. But they didn’t get naked, and, after the first time, they didn’t touch more than necessary. There was no laying pressed against each other afterwards. No great revelations of feelings.

Jensen finally broke the quiet, digging around in his jacket pocket and throwing the box of condoms and bottle of lube that he’d bought on the walk over onto the bed. Still looking decisively at everything in the room that wasn’t breathing, he cleared his throat. "You done this before?"

No. Cougar nodded, then since Jake wouldn't look at him. " _Si_."

“So, how you want to do this?”

“ _Qué_?” Cougar’s gaze flittered between the items on the bed and the other boy. Jensen looked so nervous and unsure about the whole situation that the urge to comfort the junior rose again. It'd be so easy to cross the room, to touch him, lead him to the bed and kiss him. Instead, he kept his face as blank as possible.

Jensen's glanced at the older boy briefly; it was impossible to get a read on Cougar. He took a hesitant step forward, hands stuffed in his pockets. "I mean, how we gonna do this? You wanna fuck me? Your dick up my arse, is that what you had in mind?"

Something flashed across Cougar's face and he shifted a bit; Jake knew he'd hit the mark. He stepped closer again, there was nothing he wanted more than to be close to the senior, to touch him and kiss him. But it had been a whole semester and they didn't kiss.

Another step and he pushed his hips against Cougar's knees, hands out of his pockets to trail up jean clad thighs. Cougar took in a sharp breath, leaning back as Jensen's hands pushed higher, giving the blond better access. It wasn't a surprise that deft fingers went straight to popping the button and tugging at the fly.

Jake leant closer, mouth next to Cougar's ear, as he slipped one hand down inside the older boy's underwear, fingers brushing against the growing erection. "You want to claim me, take what no one else has."

Cougar let out a growl, grabbed the front of Jake's shirt and pushed him backwards. "Bed. Now."

The junior staggered backwards, grinning. He dropped down onto the bed, watching as Cougar stalked over to him, quickly getting his own jeans undone, pushing them off his hips. The older boy crawled up onto the bed, hooked a finger under the elastic of the boxers Jensen was wearing, pulling them down to pool around his ankles with his jeans. He let his fingers dance across the sensitive skin between the younger boys hips; rubbing a thumb over the head of his cock, feeling the shudder that ran through Jake's body.

"Roll over."

Another shudder ran through the lithe body as Jensen compiled, kicking his jeans off first. One sock still on, he lay face down on the bed, one pillow bunched up under his chest. He felt a hand slide across his arse and down the back of one thigh, his legs spreading subconsciously.

Cougar stared down at the sight before him, his cock straining against his underwear, _dios,_ the things he was going to do to that arse. Picking up the bottle he squirted lube out into his hand, dropping the bottle so that it fell against Jake's leg. The junior flinched, whole body tense, waiting.

"Relax _parlanchín_." The older boy purred, rubbing his clean hand over the arse before him, teasing the boy just right until Jensen was squirming slightly. "Just breathe."

He pushed one slicked finger slowly into Jake, pausing as his body resisted him. Cougar bent down, pushing the shirt the boy still wore up, nipping gently at the skin on his lower back before rubbing loose circles with his free hand. "Relax, _mi hijo_."

Cougar waited, still massaging Jake's back, listening to his breathing as it evened out and his body finally relaxed. Pushing in further his eyes shuttered closed; Jake was so tight.

The younger boy let out a small whimper, wiggling his hips. "Cougs..?"

The sound brought the senior back to the moment; he started to move, thrusting a few times before adding a second finger. Jensen started to push back against him, muffling an endless stream of moans into the pillow.

"Can I? You ready?" It was too much effort to articulate full sentences. Cougar pushed his fingers as deep as they'd go, causing the blond's body to spasm, his breath catching as he nodded a hasty consent.

Withdrawing his fingers, causing a protesting whimper from Jake, Cougar grabbed the box of condoms, fumbling with it until he managed to get it open. Pushing his jeans and underwear out of the way, it took a frustratingly long moment to get the condom on. Picking up the lube again, he tapped Jensen on the hip. "Up."

As he coated himself with more lube, Cougar watched the way the younger boy pulled his legs up until he was on his knees, arse in the air. A low growl rolled out of his throat; he grabbed Jensen's hips, hard enough to make the boy squirm, and shifted himself in between his legs.

" _Relájate, parlanchín_."

The sound of the Spanish words caused Jake to shiver, though he didn't know the exact meaning, it still sounded sexy whenever Cougar spoke it. Especially when the words were directed at him.

He felt Cougar pull his hips back, slowly pushing into him. Jensen's whole body tensed, despite his best intentions of staying relaxed. He wanted this, he did, but Christ. "Ngh. No, no, no. Stop."

He jerked forward, scrambling away on instinct, collapsing against the headboard, he turned to look at the older boy. "Fuck, Cougs, that hurt! I mean, heaps, capital H heaps."

Cougar sat back, brow furrowed, eyes genuinely worried. " _Lo siento_. I didn't mean to, really, Jake."

Jake shrugged, offering the older boy one of his best grins. "It's alright. Not your fault. Maybe just another time. Think I'll hold off on that for a while, my arse can stay a virgin for a while longer."

Trying to hide the disappointment, Cougar busied himself with getting the condom off.

"I'll totally blow you, though, if you want." Jensen offered, starting to crawl back over to the older boy. He saw Cougar pause for a moment, then drop the condom on the floor.

That and the smirk were all the answer he needed. He moved over to Cougar's side, putting a hand in the middle of his chest to push him back down on the bed. The older boy caught his wrist at the last moment, pushing back with enough strength that Jake instinctively locked his shoulder and elbow up, not wanting to be pushed away.

Cougar used that to his advantage; applying just the right amount of pressure so that the younger boy collapsed back against the mattress. He couldn't help but drag his eyes over the body before him, though it was the way that blond eyebrows were pinched together in confusion that really caught his attention.

"Your turn, _parlanchín_. You deserve it."

Jensen felt his heart stutter in his chest, unable to pull his eyes away from the older boy, watching Cougar as he shifted to hover over him, straddling his legs, dipping his torso down. It was so graceful and perfect and so very, very dangerous.

The older boy would be his undoing, Jake was sure of that. He couldn't help the whimpered moan as Cougar took him into his mouth, his hips trying to rise and follow when the other boy retreated again. His hips were pinned down by two hands, fingers digging harshly into his skin. If there were bruises later it wouldn't surprise him. It wouldn't be the first time, and it didn't bother him; it was nice when Cougar marked him. Made him feel like he belonged to the senior.

Cougar bobbed his head back down, and Jensen had to bite down on the heel of his hand to stop the string of words that were threatening to escape. That’s why Cougar was so very dangerous; he made Jake want to say things that he knew he most definitely shouldn't say.

The pace picked up, the older boy sucking furiously, fingernails digging into pale skin. Jensen felt the way that Cougar was grinding against his legs and there was no way that either of them were going to last long like that. His fingers were between his teeth, other hand scrabbling at his shirt, causing it to rise up. What he really wanted to do was thread his fingers through Cougar's hair, but that was off limits; like kissing, he'd found that out all too soon.

Jake let his hand drift as close to the other boy as he dared, snatching it back when he was sure he was about to touch him. It was so tempting.

The heat was coiling in the pit of his stomach, everything felt too sharp. "Cougs, I'm gonna come."

He was pretty sure that he still had his fingers caught between his teeth as he spoke, but somehow the older boy understood what he was supposed to be saying. Cougar sat back up, another fluid graceful movement, smirking down at the blond. It was a direct threat to what little sanity Jake had left.

He watched as Cougar's hands left his hips, one closing around Jensen's cock, the other around his own. The younger boy closed hand around Cougar's wrist, because it was okay to touch him there.

The feel of warm skin under his still slightly chilled fingers was too much. All he wanted to do was touch Cougar, everywhere, anywhere he could get his hands on. But this would have to do for now.

His body was shuddering, hips thrusting up, fingers tightening around the bony wrist.

The stream of words that he wanted to say were muffled as he stuffed his knuckles in his mouth. Words that were too dangerous to say; dangerous like Cougar was.

Cougar came first, his eyes rolling back, hips bucking forward. The sight of it, come that splattered across his thighs, it was enough to tip Jake over the edge.

The afterglow didn't last nearly as long as Jensen would have liked. All too soon, Cougar was crawling off the bed, finding a dirty tee shirt and tossing it at the younger boy so he could clean up.

As he wiped himself clean, the junior couldn't help but wonder how Cougar managed to hide so much stained clothing and bedding. It was easier thinking about that than letting the dejected, dismissed feeling that threatened to set in. He stayed on the bed, half naked, even as Cougar stood with his back to him, fully dressed. It shouldn't hurt; this is what they did, what they had agreed to. Hell, he'd suggested. It had been his idea. Stupid, so stupid to let it get to him.

Cougar turned around, glancing briefly at the other boy, still spread out on his bed, long legs still bare. The blond wouldn't look at him, staring at the window instead, one leg pulled up, hand draped languidly over his stomach. He was still wearing the beanie he'd worn over, one sock on. His shirt had bunched up to his chest, leaving his stomach exposed.

Cougar couldn't help but notice the nail indentations and fingertip bruises; he hoped that he hadn't hurt him too badly. There was a marred patch of skin, just peeking out from under Jensen's shirt, but when he stepped closer, eyes trained on that area, the younger boy pulled his shirt back down. Cougar wasn't about to take that for a suitable response. Kneeling on the side of the bed, he reached out, ignoring Jensen's squirming protests, and yanked the shirt back up.

"Hey, watch it. I like this shirt." Jake retaliated, trying to bat the other boy's hands away.

To counteract the struggling blond, the senior straddled his hips, pinning both hands beneath his knees. Grabbing the shirt he pushed it up and out of the way. There was a fading bruise spread across Jake's chest, yellow around the edges, almost dead centre.

"C'mon, Cougs, let me up." Jensen struggled again, trying to wriggle away, deliberately not looking at the boy on top of him.

"Who?" It wasn't a question of what or how, Cougar could tell by the way the boy stilled that he was on the mark.

The younger boy's body tensed up, like a spring coiled so slightly it was close to snapping. When he finally spoke it was harsh and dangerous. "Just drop it, Carlos. It's none of your business, now let me up!"

Cougar shook his head; not showing the way the change in Jensen's usually lighthearted demeanour was affecting him. There was something that he didn't want known, questions that he wouldn't answer; it brought up the strong need to do something in Cougar. He wanted to find who it was that hurt Jake and make them pay. Wanted to wrap himself tight around the younger boy and protect him, stop anyone else from coming anywhere near him.

He traced his fingers around the edge of the bruise; he wanted to kiss it better, to take whatever pain there was away. "Who did this?"

Jensen bucked his hips up, unbalancing Cougar just enough that he was able to throw him off. They both toppled to the floor; Jake was up in a second, scrambling up, pulling his shirt down, stretching it right down to cover himself up.

"Just lay off, Alvarez, it's none of your business." Jensen spat, grabbing up his boxers and dragging them on. "You don't even care!"

The senior lay on the floor, he hadn't moved; he could have said something, said that he cared. He didn't say anything, not even as the junior pulled on his jeans and stormed out of the room, snatching up his jacket on the way out.

Cougar stared at his open door, watching the younger boy disappearing down the hallway. He couldn't find it in himself to call him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't do a "perfect first time" in this story. Not only are there far to many of those in fiction already, but it just did not work for this story. I had to do awkward failed sex instead.


	4. Enemy Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Enemy Inside by Thousand Needles in Red.
> 
> Warnings: References to underage drinking, drug use, and possible non-consensual drug use. Dubious consent(nothing graphic, just alluded to). Allusions to child abuse/crappy home life. 
> 
> Cougar is so much in denial it's not funny. 
> 
> Beta'd by the gorgeous quandong_crumble.
> 
> Also, I feel the need to apologise for my Austalianisms. ie use of Australian words and spelling. Hopefully not any phrases or references that people don't get though.

The music thumped through the room, rolling from one wall then bouncing back again, reverberating over and over. It rattled through Jensen’s skull, notes and beats poking into his brain like fingers, touching, stroking, prodding. It was trying to tell him something, whispering secrets in his ears, typing messages into his mind. It told him not to worry, to relax and enjoy himself. Just take another breath and let them tell him what to do. Let them do what they wanted.

He was distantly aware of a hand on his thigh; his heart thumped in time with the music, Cougar? He wanted Cougar there, but it wasn't Cougar. Cougar didn't touch him like that. He wanted it to be Cougar. He missed him; he hadn't seen him since the beginning of the Christmas break. It was too long; another half a semester had passed since then.

The touch was too hot; heat prickled across his leg like ants crawling beneath his skin. The itch and burn crept over him; he pushed the hand off him, trying to move away. His shirt was suddenly wet, clinging to his stomach. The burn receded a little, creeping around the edge of the damp spot instead, rushing up his chest.

Opening his eyes was such an effort, everything was fuzzy anyway. Jake blinked slowly, staring myopically at the empty plastic cup in his hand. He was pretty sure that it’d had alcohol in it. Dropping it onto the floor, he leant forward, tugging his shirt off and letting that fall on top of the cup. It was wet and dirty, he needed another shirt. He turned towards the person next to him; maybe they'd have a shirt he could borrow.

There was a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer, pushing him down. His glasses squashed into his face as he collapsed onto the person's lap; he tried to sit up but there was no give in the hand on his neck. He knew what was expected, this was all he was good for. But it wasn't Cougar and he didn't want to do that with anyone else. Jake's body slid off the lounge, it didn't respond properly as he tried to shuffle closer.

Hands grabbed his shoulders, thumbs digging in sharply just above his collarbones; pain flared beneath his skin, he squirmed, trying to form words of protest, but his mouth wouldn't conform. They were dragging him forward, his knees scraped harshly on the carpet. Another hand sharp in the middle of his back, more grabbing each of his arms. There were too many people. This wasn't how it went. This wasn't how it went.

There were voices, laughter, Jake couldn't focus on what they were saying; the pounding beat against his eardrums, the repetitive _no, no, no_ that played through his mind but never made it out his mouth drowned out what they were saying.

He should never have come to the stupid party. He should have gone to Cougar's, but Cougar wasn't talking to him, not that he ever talked anyway, but Cougar didn't even like him, not outside of blowjobs and jerking each other off. It was better than nothing though, and certainly better than this. He didn't want this.

They were pushing and bending him in ways his body didn't want to go. The music rolled through him again, pushing into his brain, drumming against the inside of his skull. It was telling him to just do what they wanted, not to fight it. To let them use him how they saw fit. No one else wanted him anyway.

 

* * *

Cougar weaved his way through the crowd; there were too many people and not enough space. It was distracting though, in a good way; the people, noise, smell, distracted him from school work and the impending exams, from the pressure at home to apply to colleges, to become a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher, something good and safe, so he could settle down and marry a nice girl and carry on the family name. That wasn't what he wanted though.

But most of all, it distracted him from the way he missed Jensen.

He didn't want to miss the boy. Missing him implied that he felt some kind of attachment and he couldn't get attached. Attachment meant complication, and school complicated things enough as it was. Jensen was too messed up anyway, not a person to get attached to. While the boy must have had some reason for doing what he did, there was still too much going on. Subconsciously his hand went to the scarf wrapped loosely around his neck, fingers toying with the blue and white wool.

One of the girls from his English class smiled at him and beckoned him over; he thought her name was Clara. He went and stood by her, nodding as appropriate as she chattered away, even though he could barely hear her over all the noise, but it was better than being alone in this crowd.

His mind kept pushing Jensen to the forefront, the image of the blond boy, face contorted with panic and anger, pulsed behind his eyelids. He kept glancing around, expecting to see the junior hanging around somewhere. Cougar wanted so badly for him to be there. It was stupid to expect him to be there, let alone to be able to find him. The house was full of people, mostly seniors and a few people who tagged along; none of them were the particular blond that he was looking for.

To distract himself, to drag his mind away from missing Jake, he kissed the girl. Shifting closer to her he reached out to trail his knuckles over her cheek. Clara pretty much melted into him, all smiles and giggling; she let him kiss her but then she pulled back, her brow creased in confusion.

In answer to his raised eyebrow question, Clara leant forward, lips right against his ear, practically shouting to be heard. “I thought you were into guys.”

Cougar jerked back, shaking his head, eyes narrowed fiercely.

Clara merely shrugged, not at all bothered by the glare; leaning in again she spoke up over the music. “But you're into that Jensen kid, right? We all thought you were anyway.”

Cougar balked, taking a step back. Clara offered him a small smile, holding her hands up when he started to shake his head furiously.

“No big deal, if you are. I thought he must have come here with you, he doesn't usually show up at gigs like this.”

“I do not like him. There is nothing.” He started defensively, glancing around the room again to see if anyone was watching. “Wait, Jake is here?”

Clara nodded, frown increasing in confusion. “Yeah, figured he was here with you.”

Cougar stretched up onto tip toes, scanning the room again. He couldn’t explain it, but he had the overwhelming urge to find Jensen and make sure that he was okay. This party, with all the seniors, so many of them that used Jake for their own gains, it was not somewhere that the boy should be. He had to find him.

“You know, if you really do want to make out, I don’t mind. I mean, you’re hot and all. But I think you’d rather be with someone else.”

Cougar didn’t know what he wanted to do. Finding Jensen could drag up all kinds of shit, but he could hardly leave him alone, not in a place like this. “I should find him.”

“Sure thing,” Clara nodded, pointing towards the stairs. “Last I saw, he was heading upstairs.”

It was a start at least; Cougar headed up the stairs, pushing through small groups that hung in bunches, huddled together. The second floor was less crowded, couples pressed against each other, a few bodies slumped against the wall, or lined up for what he guessed must have been the bathroom. The people thinned out as he got towards the end of the corridor. One door was partially open, revealing a bedroom that looked like it had been used recently, the other door was tightly closed, but Cougar could hear music, different from downstairs, pulsing from within the room. It was a gamble, but he tried the doorknob anyway. The door was locked. Ear pressed to the door he could hear multiple voices, maybe four or five, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“What are you doing?”

Cougar whipped around to face to boy who’d spoken. He was a fraction taller than the senior, dressed neatly, not like most of the other people there. The most notable feature that Cougar noticed straight away, were the eyes, like a predator’s.

“That room isn’t just for anyone.” The predator smirked, arms folded across his chest, a casual confident air about him, as though he didn’t possibly think anyone would go against him.

“I’m looking for Jake Jensen.” Cougar squared his shoulders up, trying the gauge the level of threat. He wasn’t the best at fighting, but he could hold his own if he had to, and unless this guy had any tricks or special training, he would be able to take him on.

“Even if he is in there you have no business here, Alvarez.”

“Who are you?” Cougar narrowed his eyes, trying to keep his voice level, trying to make each word clear around his accent.

“I am Max. This is my place. I think you should go.” Max replied, arms unfolding and dropping loosely to his sides.

A brief flicker of movement over Max’s shoulder caught Cougar’s attention. Clara had followed him upstairs; she stood there, phone in hand, held inconspicuously by her side, eyes glancing between the two boys, giving Cougar the faintest of nods indicating that she was going to back him up however she could. Without taking his eyes off of Max, the senior reached behind him and knocked sharply on the door, the talking inside stopped.

“I told you to go, you’re trespassing now.” Max warned, straightening the sleeves of his shirt; everything was so flippant and casual, it put Cougar on edge.

“So?” Cougar quirked an eyebrow, a hint of a challenge in his voice. “Call the cops.”

Cougar watched as Max swallowed, a slight indication that things were suddenly not as casual. The police were not an option, and Max knew that, not given the current state of most of the people in the house. The senior banged on the door with the flat of his hand, the music died down inside. He finally took his eyes off the pretentious rich kid and turned his back to him, satisfied that he’d called Max’s bluff, or at least Clara was watching out for him.

“Jensen?” He called through the door, hoping that the boy wasn’t actually on the other side. Cougar banged on the door again, tried the handle, and then gave the door a decisive kick. Surprisingly the door gave a little.

“You’re damaging property, I’ll add that onto the charge of trespassing, shall I?”

A low growl emitted from Cougar’s throat, but before he had a chance to decide whether Max was worth wasting the effort of talking to, Clara piped up.

“How about I tell the cops, when they get here, that you’re holding a minor in that room against his will?”

Cougar flickered his gaze around to see Clara standing in the middle of the corridor; phone held up, he squinted to see the call ended signal flashing on the screen.

There was a moment of silence, before someone behind Clara yelled, “Cops!”

Cougar ignored the chaos that followed, focussing instead on the door, there was not sound coming from inside, despite the desperate scramble everyone in the rest of the house was doing in order to get away. Another solid kick and the door gave, swinging violently inwards, the lock dragging out of its seating. The door bounced off of someone, swinging back, but Cougar caught it with his shoulder, pushing his way into the room. The thick, earthy scent of pot, alcohol and sweat filled the confined space; he almost choked on it, blinking through the bleary atmosphere and dim lighting.

Anger burned up inside him at the site of the room; Wade sat on the lounge on the opposite side of the room, joint in hand, eyeing the intruder with contempt, two more guys standing nearby, another behind the door. Jensen was on the floor, slumped against Wade’s legs, shirtless and unmoving.

“What are you doing here?” Wade drawled, one hand dropping to Jensen’s head, fingers tugging at blond strands, causing the boy to whine pitifully. “This is a private party.”

Levelling a fierce glare at his fellow senior, Cougar took a step forward, putting himself side on so he didn’t have his back to any of them. “I’m here for Jake.”

The blond stirred slightly, trying to turn towards the sound of his name, body not responding, falling across the floor. Cougar felt his heart beat too hard in his chest at the sight; he wanted to snatch up the boy and haul him out of there to somewhere safer.

Wade stretched a leg out, bumping Jensen so the junior rolled across the floor. “I don’t think he wants to leave. Besides, why would you even want the dirty little slut?”

He bristled, fists clenching by his sides. It didn’t matter what Jensen did, he didn’t deserve to be spoken about like that. The urge to fly at Wade and inflict bodily harm was growing, drawing in a calming breath he suppressed it, in favour of focusing on getting Jensen out of there as soon as possible. “He should not be here. I’m taking him home.”

Wade rocked to his feet, stepping over the boy on the floor, getting into the shorter boy’s personal space. “Do you even know what he does? Do you know where his mouth has been?”

Cougar quirked an eyebrow, smirking mockingly, hands going to his hips. “Yes. Do you?”

Wade reacted violently, taking a swing at the shorter boy, Cougar dodged easily, dancing to one side. The other boy turned again, trying again; Cougar could feel the others closing in around him, it was only going to end badly. He didn’t have time for this, he needed to get Jensen and get out of there.

Ducking another swing, he glanced around, looking for a way out. “Police are coming.”

All four of the aggressors froze, glancing between themselves, obviously weighing up their options and trying to make a decision; they bolted.

Cougar paused for a heartbeat, waiting to see if they weren’t going to come back. Turning, he crossed the room to Jensen’s side, grabbing him roughly by the arm, trying to haul the boy up. There wasn’t time for gentleness or niceties.

Jake groaned, but he tried to pull away, struggling against the older boy’s grip. His voice was weak, rasping, barely audible. “No, no more.”

“Jake, come on.” Cougar moved his grip to under the boy’s arms, wrapping his arms around his chest, dragging him back across the carpet. “We have to go.”

“Cougs?” Jake twisted in his arms, blinking up at the older boy, attempting to push himself to his feet. “You shouldn’t be here. Wade doesn’t like you. You don’t like me.”

It hurt, more than it should have, to hear Jensen sounding so lost and dejected. Cougar helped him to his feet, hooking one arm around the boy’s waist, draping one thin arm across his shoulders. “Move.”

Jake managed to stumble along with him, letting himself being moved bodily out of the house and into Cougar’s car that he’d parked a block down and around the corner from Max’s place. Dumping the younger boy into the passenger seat, Cougar could see the red and blue flashing lights reflecting off the fences that lined the road; he didn’t bother sticking around long enough to get caught up in it all. There had still been enough people trying to get away to keep the cops busy, all he hoped was that Clara had managed to get away in time.

Scrambling into the driver’s seat, he quickly checked the boy next to him before starting the car and driving off, not sure where he was going, just as long as it was away from there, it didn’t matter. When he’d put a good few blocks between them, heading, naturally, back towards the area that he knew, Cougar reached over, shaking Jensen slightly. “Where am I taking you? Your house?”

Jake shook his head slowly, rolling from one side to another as though he had no muscle control in his neck. “No. He’ll… I… can’t… get in trouble… No. Don’t make me go there.”

It barely made sense, but the senior turned instinctively towards his house instead, wishing that there was some way he could comfort the other boy. Throughout the drive, Cougar kept glancing over at Jake, once reaching over to shake him when the boy went too still for an extended period of time. They managed to get to the house without mishap, however getting inside was a different story. Cougar was pretty sure that half carrying a shirtless, obviously out of it, Jake in through the front door wasn’t the best idea, especially with the lights still on in the lounge room, indicating that his parents were probably up waiting for him.

Helping Jensen back out of the car, he manoeuvred the boy around the side of the house and propped him against the wall next to his window.

“Wait here.” Cougar hissed, turning around to head back to the front door after waiting until Jensen gave him a look of hazy recognition.

Letting himself back into the house, he left the keys on the hall stand, stopping briefly at the lounge room door, looking in at his parents, seated on the lounge watching television quietly.

_“Hola, mamá, papá. Estoy en casa, ir a la cama._ ” Cougar flashed both of them a smile, standing still long enough for them to see that he was whole and well, before heading back down the hallway towards his room.

Calls from both his parents of “ _buenas noches_ ” followed him to his bedroom.

Once safely inside with his bedroom with the door locked, Cougar went to his window, pulling it open. Almost instantly Jensen hauled himself inside, collapsing on the floor and blinking owlishly up at the older boy from behind smudged glasses. The senior simply pulled the window closed again, jerking his thumb towards the bed, before turning his back on the boy, dragging his shirt off over his head. He really wasn’t sure how this was going to work, the bed was big enough for two of them, but that was hardly acceptable; he could always just take the blankets and sleep on the floor. Stuff it, it was his room and his bed, he’d sleep there if he wanted.

A hand on his shoulder suddenly stilled Cougar, he froze, feeling Jensen’s fingers trail over his shoulder blade and down his back. He couldn’t supress the shiver that worked its way down his spine, but he took a deep breath and stepped away. Turning to face the younger boy he finally took the time to look at him. There were fresh bruises above his collarbones, another older, large one covering his right side, stretching from hip to his ribs. The boy’s eyes were blurry, pupils blown wide, hair a complete mess.

Jensen chewed his lip nervously, looking at the older boy expectantly. He took another step forward, snagging the belt loops of Cougar’s jeans, dropping to his knees, fingers trying to work the fly open. Cougar grabbed his wrists, pushing him away roughly. Dropping back onto his arse, Jake blinked up at him, face contorted in confusion.

“Don’t.” Cougar growled, hastily kicking off his shoes and shucking his jeans, trying his best not to look at the younger boy as he stepped past him and climbed into the bed. Lying there with his back to Jensen, he half expected the other boy to try something again, or simply climb back out the window and take off. He tried desperately to ignore the arousal he felt, it happened every time Jensen got on his knees in front of him, but he didn’t want anything to happen, not when the younger boy was like that. He didn’t want to use Jensen like that.

The light flicked off, a moment later bed dipped down behind him, and a body bumped roughly into him before wriggling away ever so slightly. Cougar could still feel the heat coming off of the younger boy, even though they weren’t touching. Silence drew out for a long while, only Jensen’s ragged breathing interrupted the quiet; he almost thought that the blond had fallen asleep when he finally spoke.

“What’s wrong, Cougs? Don’t ya want me anymore?” Jake rolled over to face him, breath ghosting across the older boy’s neck. “It’s all I’m good for, sucking cock. If you don’t want me for that, why am I here?”

He wanted to ignore it; Cougar had every intention of pretending the boy wasn’t there and going to sleep, but it bothered him. It shouldn’t have bothered him, to hear Jensen talk like that, he didn’t care about the junior, not that much. Still, he found himself twisting his body around to face the younger boy, careful not to touch him at all, and fixing him with a harsh glare.

“Do not talk like that, _idiota_!” He seethed, letting out a frustrated sigh, trying to convey to the younger boy just how stupid he was being.

Jensen blinked back at him, eyes still not focussed properly. “You don’t like me, Alvarez, but you want to fuck me. Now you’re acting like you care, and you don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t get it. I honestly don’t. You had no business in that room with Wade. You didn’t need to come and get me. I was okay. I get that that is all I’m good for. That and doing homework for them.”

Cougar reached out and smacked the boy on the shoulder, narrowing his eyes further. Why wouldn’t Jensen just stop talking like that; it was frustrating that he wouldn’t just be quiet. “Shut up. You needed help. I couldn’t leave you there.”

Blue eyes widened, softening, as Jensen shifted closer; close enough so they were sharing air. He reached out one hand hovering a few inches away from Cougar’s face, too afraid to touch him, but wanting so badly to. After a moment, he grasped the back of the older boy’s neck, dragging himself closer and pressing his forehead against the Cougar’s chest. “Thanks.”

Even though he felt Cougar’s body go ridged, Jake didn’t move away. He needed the contact, he wanted to curl up and be close to someone who he actually trusted for once. His head was pounding; the pain and fuzziness wouldn’t go away, everything was swimming, nothing was focussing. He had no idea what was causing it, but he wanted it to stop. “I’m messed up, aren’t I Cougs?”

He sounded so small, so young, so broken; Cougar drew in a deep breath, getting a lungful of stale smoke and alcohol from the blond hair under his chin. It was a bad idea, it had to be, but the senior still wrapped one arm around the younger boy’s shoulders. “A little bit, _parlanchín_. A little bit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone recognised the scarf from chapter 3, you are awesome.
> 
> I was informed by quandong_crumble that some scenes in this reminder her of scenes from the movie Less Than Zero. I, however, haven't seen the movie, so any resemblance is pure coincidental.


	5. My World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title My World by The Sick Puppies
> 
> Possible trigger warnings: allusion to child abuse/domestic violence - evidence of. 
> 
> Chapter beta'd by quandong_crumble
> 
> And finally we're getting to the running away! Thanks for being patient with me and this story.

Jensen had disappeared back out the window the next morning, and for most part, things went back to normal. They would talk at school when they bumped into each other; Cougar’s casual possessiveness became more prominent after the party, managing to step between Jake and anyone else, shepherding him out of the way. Things didn’t go further though, nothing advanced and nothing got any more serious. It was still two teenage boys getting bored and horny.

Exams started a few weeks later, the stress of study caught up with Cougar and he stopped letting Jensen come around. He had to face to truth; the boy was a major distraction. If he ever came over to study, there wasn’t a lot of study that went on.

It was the night before Cougar’s last exam, he sat at his desk with his Chemistry textbook open on the desk in front of him, but he couldn’t focus. Jensen hadn’t been at school that day, and given that it was a Wednesday, the day they usually would hang out in the afternoon, it had the older boy mildly worried. The sneer that Wade had given him that afternoon still plagued his mind. He didn’t trust the other senior at all; there was something very off about him, dangerous and definitely not someone to be messed with.

There was a soft tap on his window, pulling Cougar’s attention away from the text book that he’d been blankly staring at for who knows how long. Jensen stood outside his window, grinning despite a fresh black eye. He couldn’t get to the window, or pull it open fast enough, instinctively reaching out to grasp the younger boy’s face, turning it towards the light so he could get a better look. The bruise was dark, thick under his left eye, fringing across the edge of his nose.

Nudging the older boy out of the way, Jensen shoved his backpack into the room before he hoisted himself through the window, dropping silently onto the floor. Straightening up he grinned at the shorter boy, hugging his arms across his chest.

“Hey Cougs, I know you’re busy, study and all that shit, but just wondering if I can hang out here for a while. Really don’t want to be alone right now, and I’d much rather spend time with you than anyone else, at least you put up with me when I’m not getting you off.” Jake rocked back and forwards on the balls of his feet, staring intently at the floor.

Cougar could see the way he was hunched over, shoulders pulled in, head down; he wanted to touch the boy, comfort him, hold him like he had the night of the party. Long enough ago to not act awkward about it, but not long enough to forget the way the blond had snuggled up against him, trying to get as close as possible. Drunk, possibly drugged, Jake had been at his most vulnerable; it had been so easy to care, in that moment. Jake was making it too easy to care about him. And that was going to be problem.

Nodding, Cougar turned back to his desk, sitting down and flicking through his textbook; he tried his best to ignore the other boy as Jensen kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the bed, dragging his backpack with him.

Ignoring Jake Jensen was not an easy task. The boy hummed softly under his breath, rummaged through his bag every few minutes, and tapped his foot against the wall lightly. It was all quiet, hushed because he wasn’t supposed to be there, but it was incredibly annoying.

After half an hour, the blond sat up suddenly, taking something out of his bag. “Hey Cougs?”

The older boy looked over, frowning slightly to show he was listening. Jensen held something out to him, a wooden pencil box. When he didn’t say anything else, Cougar scooted his chair over to the edge of the bed, reaching out and taking the box.

“I want you to hang onto that for me. It’s really important, and I’m hoping you can keep it safe for me.” The blond didn’t make eye contact as he spoke, hands fidgeting with his bag, pulling out a small scrap of paper.

He didn’t ask what was in the box, nor did he open it and look; something about the way that the younger boy was acting, Cougar could tell that it was important. Instead of questions, he simply took the box and tucked it away behind his clothes in one of his drawers. When he turned back, Jensen smiled at him shyly, pushing his backpack off the bed and laying back down against the wall.

"Can I tell you something? You can't tell anyone else, it's gotta be our secret, you've got to promise." The blond fiddled with the piece of paper in his hand, carefully smoothing it out against one denim clad thigh, glancing at the older boy and looking away again hastily several times.

There was something about the way that he spoke, the tone of his voice, the nervous fidgeting, that made Cougar cross the room to sit on the edge of bed, looking at the boy expectantly, waiting.

Jensen fidgeted again, closing his hand over the piece of paper, cradling it as though it was something precious. "I need to leave."

Cougar's brow creased in confusion, head tilted to one side, silently asking for clarification.

"This place. Not here here. I want to run away. I can't live in that house much longer. I need to get away." Jake waved a hand vaguely, trying to indicate that he meant far away.

It felt like something had seized up in his chest. Jensen wanted to leave, to get as far away as possible. There was the unjustified feeling of premature loss. It didn't make sense; Cougar didn't like Jake like that. If the boy wanted to leave that was his own business, and he didn't even have to tell him that he was leaving. But that heavy feeling of loss was there, settled in under his ribs, making it a little harder to breathe; not that he'd ever admit that.

"Why?" It was all he could think to ask; why seemed far more important that how or where too.

There was a long moment of silence; Jensen lay quietly on the bed, fingers drumming against his stomach. Just when Cougar was about to give up on getting an answer, the blond scrambled up onto his knees, setting the scrap of paper carefully on the pillow.

"This is a secret too, okay?" Jake whispered, locking eyes with the shorter boy. There was another thick moment of silence before he gripped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and off over his head.

New bruises littered the boy’s torso, marring pale skin, dark, mean and painful looking. Cougar hissed at the sight of them, staring at the damaged flesh unashamedly, before reaching out and tracing his fingers around the edge of the freshest looking one. Jensen flinched beneath his touch, but he didn’t try to swat his hand away like he usually did.

Crawling onto the bed, he moved close to Jensen, close enough to feel his breath; he took the younger boy’s face in his hands, tilting it to get another look at his black eye. “You will tell me who did this.”

It wasn’t a question this time, Jensen knew that. The commanding tone of voice urged him to bare all, to tell Cougar everything and let the older boy either tear him apart with the knowledge or put him back together. He didn’t care either way; something was going to break, regardless. All he knew was that simply being so close, his face being cradled in the senior’s hands, there was only so much that he could take before something just snapped.

To give himself space, more than anything, Jake collapsed back against the mattress, snatching up the newspaper cutting as it fluttered away. The small scrap of paper, barely an inch square, that he’d been carting around with such care for the past week. That tidbit of information that he’d been searching for, for too long.

Jensen didn’t have long to dwell on that as Cougar followed him, leaning over him, hands bracketing his shoulders, eyes boring into his, asking all the questions the Latino boy would not ask out loud. Before he could stop himself, he’d reached up, trailing his fingers through the older boy’s hair. For once, Cougar didn’t stop him.

After a moment, Cougar shifted, moving so he was sitting against the headboard. Indicating for the junior to join him, he pulled one knee up to his chest. “Talk to me, _parlanchín_. You do not talk enough anymore.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Jensen scoffed, but he shifted to sit next to the other boy, slumped a bit lower, long legs stretched out over the bed. He smoothed the piece of paper out, trying to work the creases out carefully; it was growing more and more fragile the more he handled it.

Taking a deep breath, feeling the tug against his bruised skin, Jensen stared at the ceiling, carefully not looking at Cougar out of the corner of his eye. “It’s not a big deal, not really.”

The sharp prod he got in the shoulder told him that Cougar certainly didn’t believe him. He forced a laugh, trying to cover up his own nervousness. They didn’t talk about this sort of stuff; it had been pretty clear all along. Family wasn’t a conversation topic; in fact, their personal lives altogether seemed off limits.

"It really isn't a big deal, I mean, I've handled it up until now. I deserve it. I'm just not normal. If I just learnt to shut up occasionally it wouldn't be so bad." Jensen paused, fingers idly poking at the bruise on his left shoulder. "Mum died, ages back, I don't remember her at all, so I don't miss her. So it was just me, Jessica and dear old dad, for a long time. Jessie, is my sister, she's older than me, by a few years. She should be around 22 now. She was great when I was little, put up with me when no one else would, played mum for me.”

The blond paused for a moment, shifting slightly on the bed, unintentionally gravitating towards the senior. “She left as soon as she turned seventeen. Just couldn’t handle it anymore, I guess. I came home from school one day and she was gone, room cleaned out, car gone. No note, no message, nothing.”

Cougar wasn’t sure why he did it, but he dropped one arm around the younger boy’s shoulders, pulling him closer until he was pressed against his side. He couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to come home one day and find a member of his family missing; granted, he didn’t get along with his siblings all the time, and his parents were overbearing at the best of times, but he couldn’t imagine any of them disappearing without a trace.

“I couldn’t find her. I spent the last five years searching for her, through all sorts of avenues, not all of them exactly legal. But she just disappeared, her and a couple of her friends. Until this.” Jensen held up the delicate scrap of paper.

Cougar carefully took the newspaper cutting, studying the writing on it.

“Is this?” Cougar stopped, not really sure what he was asking.

“My niece.” Jake confirmed, rolling over onto his side and pushing his body closer to the older boy, tucking his head against Cougar’s chest. He accepted the piece of paper as it was handed back. “I’m an uncle, Cougs. And she didn’t even try and contact me. The ad would be Jolene’s doing. She and Pooch are Jess’s friends, they left with her. They’re a little older, good people. But I looked it up, it’s Springfield Massachusetts. That’s a long way for the ad to make it down here to our local paper. Jol must have put one in this paper especially for me.”

Cougar nodded, letting his arm tighten around the younger boy’s shoulders, there was little other comfort he could offer. He knew that Jensen had efficiently evaded asking his question from earlier, but this seemed more important, the junior certainly saw it as more important, than the bruises on his body. “Your sister would want you to know.”

The blond heaved a sigh, but when he spoke his voice portrayed pure determination. “I’m going to go find her. I’m going to leave this stupid place and go find Jess and meet my niece.”


	6. Anywhere But Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: Anywhere But Here by the Sick Puppies

Cougar woke up with Jensen a heavy weight against his side, an arm wrapped around his waist, head on his chest. He didn't remember falling asleep, but it was the first time he'd woken up like that, even though there had been three previous occasions when the younger boy had slept over. Every other time, they'd kept as much space between them as possible when they actually slept.

His arm was under Jake, wrapped around his shoulders, numb and tingling with the threat of pins and needles. He tried to shift, pulling away slightly. The blond stirred beside him, lifted his head groggily. A lazy smile spread across his face before he dropped his head back down, nuzzling into Cougar's neck.

The senior tried to ignore effect the close proximity was having on him, telling himself that it was because it was the morning. It wasn't because Jake was breathing against his skin, or the way he was wriggling closer. It wasn't that he was turned on that bothered Cougar, it was the way his heart was beating faster and he was fighting the urge to hold the boy tighter and kiss him.

He fought off the urge, choosing instead to push the younger boy gently by his shoulder. Jensen rolled away, sprawling across the bed and sighing dramatically.

“Good morning to you too, Mr Grumpy Pants.” The blond huffed good naturedly, hands sifting over the bed, searching for his glasses that he didn’t remember taking off the night before.

Cougar rolled off the bed and onto his feet, glancing back down at the other boy. He couldn’t help but smirk at the sight of Jake, spread across the bed, hands searching blindly. He spied the elusive glasses up near the headboard and reached out and picked them up, carefully avoiding touching the lenses. Cougar wasn’t sure why he did it, but instead of just handing them back, he crawled back onto the bed, nudged the younger boy to get his attention and then slipped the glasses onto his face.

Jensen blinked up him from behind his glasses, looking as stunned at the older boy’s actions as Cougar did, before a grin spreading across his lips. “Thanks Cougs.”

Cougar shrugged; it was only when the blond’s expression changed, grin fading, that he noticed he’d been absently running his knuckles across Jake’s cheek. He snatched his hand back, quickly getting off his bed and busying himself with finding clean clothes.

Jensen frowned at the other boy’s back, trying not to let the discarded feeling set in. The senior confused the hell out of him; one moment it was all about getting off and that was it, and the next it almost seemed like he cared. Biting back a sigh, the junior sat up, finding his tee shirt where he’d dumped it the night before and shrugging it on, covering up the ugly bruises. At least he’d avoided talking about them.

“I should get going. You’ve got an exam today, you’ll probably want to cram this morning before it, don’t need me here distracting you. I’ve got stuff to do anyway, not that you really want to hear about that, but, you know. Stuff, yeah. Have to sort things out and tidy up. It won’t be so bad, ‘cause he won’t be there, but there aren’t too many warm fuzzy feelings all the same. I have to get out of here. Just got to find a way out.” Jensen was rambling, he knew it, but his mouth just wouldn’t stop moving, and the more he said the worse it was getting. He could feel his chest tightening up; he didn’t want to get emotional, not in front of Cougar, but he just couldn’t stop. “I have to go find Jessie, you get that, right Cougs? But why’d she just leave me? She left me behind and never tried to get in contact with me, what if she doesn’t want to see me again?”

Cougar had turned around to face the younger boy when he had first started talking and had stood there staring at him, noticing the way that Jake had gotten progressively more upset the more he talked. There was something wrong, a very substantial reason why he wanted to leave, Cougar could tell that much, even though he’d never said anything straight out, there had been hints. The bruises weren’t from the guys at school; he’d said enough, just enough, that the older boy suspected he knew who was behind it. He would voice that suspicion, but he had the feeling that if directly confronted with it, Jake would sooner run away than talk about it.

Even so, it was hard to stay impartial as he watched the boy sitting there on his bed, hands twisting the hem of his shirt relentlessly. It was hard not to care. Jensen made it hard not to care. But logic told him to keep his distance; he never should have let himself get involved with the junior in the first place. He had his own problems to deal with. There were exams, and a stash of college applications that he’d hidden and pretended to have posted, the pressure to find a girlfriend. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to care about Jake Jensen either. It was just so hard not to.

Cougar took the two steps back to the bed, reaching one hand out tentatively he brushed his fingers through Jensen’s hair. “She is your sister, _parlanchín_ , of course she will want to see you again.”

Jake glanced up at him, drawing in a ragged breath. “So you think I should go find her?”

That was not an easy question to answer; on one hand, Cougar knew that the further Jake got away from home, the closer he was to the family he had that cared for him, the better off he’d be. But then, Massachusetts was a long way away. Someone like Jake, unless he was careful or had someone to look after him, would probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere, through some means or another. It was not an idea that Cougar wanted to entertain for long; finding him in that room at the party had been bad enough.

“Maybe wait. Finish school, try calling her first.” He knew as soon as the words left his mouth that they were the wrongs one to say.

Jensen flinched away from him, attempting to get off the bed. “I can’t stay here. I can’t. There is no reason to stay here.”

The older boy caught him by the arm, tugging the blond towards him. Jensen pulled back, glaring at the shorter boy, trying to pry his hand off.

Cougar tried again, grabbing Jake by the shoulders and turning him to face around him. “Stop this Jake. You should not make such rash decisions. Plan this properly, find out more than just where the baby was born.”

Jensen put his hands squarely on the older boy’s chest and pushed him away. “What is the point of staying here? Should I stay here and keep sucking cock and doing people’s homework? No one even likes me, they just use me. At least Jessie loved me at some point. She’s my big sister, and she looked after me, and it’s my niece. I have to be there for Bethie, to love her like she deserves. You don’t get it, you have this wonderful family, and they love you. Sure I don’t know them, but I can just tell, they must love you, because you care what they think of you. You keep secrets so they’ll keep loving you. I don’t have that. No one cares about me, fuck Carlos, I wanted you to care about me, but you don’t, and I get that, because I’m not worth it. But if there is half a chance in hell that Jessie still cares about me, I’ve got to take it.”

Cougar stumbled back, staring at the younger boy, trying to absorb everything he said, trying to come up with something to say. “Jake..?”

The blond held a hand up, shaking his head, grabbing his bag and heading towards the window. “I’m leaving, as soon as I can.”

With that he tossed his backpack out the window and hoisted himself outside. Cougar crossed the room, leaning out the window and snagging the back of Jensen’s shirt before he could move away. The younger boy turned to look at him, eyes narrowed in challenge.

Cougar swallowed the lump in his throat; he wanted to tell Jake not to leave, to stay, that maybe they could sort something out. But the junior was right, he lied to his own family; the biggest lie of all involved the boy standing outside his window. He couldn’t be honest with them, he wasn’t honest with Jake and he struggled to be honest with himself. There was so much he couldn’t say; so he said the only other thing he could think of.

“You’ll come say goodbye first, _si_?”

Jensen’s face relaxed and he smiled easily, genuine and carefree like usual. “Of course Cougs. Gotta come back for my stuff anyway.”

***

The exam went well, as far as Cougar could tell. He had felt confident as he exited the exam hall. Everything was finished; school was over, there was no college offer letters in the mail, and no excuses to give his parents.

It didn’t hit him until he was in his room that night that he would have to do something, to tell his parents something. He wanted to enlist in the army, but they’d never let him. He knew that his parents loved him, and only wanted the best for him, but that was according to them, to their standards of best. Their plans for their son did not involve the army, and they certainly didn’t involve a messed up blond kid who smiled too easily and talked too much.

In truth, his own plans hadn’t involved that blond kid either. Not that that would matter for much longer, Jake Jensen would be out of his life by his own choice, not because Cougar had finally pushed him away. But that was the thing; while he’d held the younger boy at arm’s length, he’d never wanted to push him away.

It was rather late at night, well after his siblings had gone to bed, that his papa asked to talk to him. Cougar knew it was bad as soon as he got out to the kitchen; his mama sat at the table, a stack of opened envelopes in front of her. He didn’t need to look too closely to know that they were the college applications he was supposed to have sent off.

“Carlos, explain this to us.” His papa went to stand the other side of the table, leaning down over the letters.

Cougar said nothing. There wasn’t anything he could think to say, no acceptable response. The disappointment was so heavy in the room, emanating off of his parents; the temptation to look away was strong, but he managed to keep eye contact with his papa.

“Why are you doing this to us, Carlos?” His mama looked close to tears; it elicited a deep feeling of guilt in her son. “Why did you never send off these applications? What are you going to do now? You have no plans for next year, what of your future?”

Carlos shrugged, he did not feel like the confident and self-assured Cougar in that moment; he fidgeted under his papa’s gaze, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I do not want to go to college.”

“But we agreed, you were going to get into law if your grades were good enough. Your SAT results are due back soon. What was the point of all of this?” His papa raised his voice, grabbing up a handful of the envelopes and brandishing them.

“I am going to join the army.” There, the truth was out, there was no taking it back after that, he just had to wait for the shocked looks to settle to disapproving and hope that the feeling of guilt did not settle in until much later.

“No!” His papa slammed his fist back down on the table. “I forbid it. I will not have a son of mine becoming a glorified killer.”

“It is my life, not yours!” Cougar fought back, he was sick of tiptoeing around his own life to ensure that his parents were happy. There were things he wanted for his own life, and unfortunately they did not match up with what his parents wanted. “Don’t stop me from doing this. An office job works for you. Not me.”

“You could get hurt, or killed, Carlos, do you not think about how these things will affect your life and the lives of your family?” His mama had started crying, wiping at her eyes as she turned her face away from her son.

There was no way to answer that. He wasn’t joining the army with the intention of dying; it was to serve, and to do something good, something practical that didn’t involve more books and the prefect life that his parents had envisioned for him. For as long as he could remember, he’d been determined to become a soldier. “I do not plan to die, Mama. But you have lived your lives, do not try to live mine for me.”

“You are our son, and still living under our roof, you should have some respect. You should have been taking your studies seriously and applying for colleges instead of wasting your time sneaking people in and out of the house while we aren’t home. You will not be joining the army, and you will apply for college as soon as you can. No more of this army nonsense!”

Cougar felt the anger rising up inside him, but he couldn’t take the argument anymore. He turned and walked away, knowing he’d never win, but he’d never give up on his dream. There was no way that he was going to apply for colleges and give up on joining the army.

What stuck with him the most though was they knew about Jake. Maybe they didn’t know who he was or what they did, but they knew that Jake had been in the house. They would stop him from seeing Jake.

Back in his room, leaning heavily against the closed door, he realised how much of a moot point that was; Jensen was leaving anyway. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. The hollow feeling that had settled in that morning would not go away; it was unjustified, there was no reason that he should feel the loss so keenly. Firstly, Jensen hadn’t even left yet, and secondly, Cougar didn’t care. He did not care about Jacob Jensen. Not enough to miss him anyway.

There was a soft tap on the window, Cougar looked up sharply, panic taking hold momentarily, sure that his parents would have heard it. Jensen stood outside the window, he knew the silhouette all too well by that point. He expected to find the younger boy grinning at him when he opened the widow, that was Jensen’s default greeting, no matter what mood he was in, or what transpired after he was in the room, he was always there, grinning, at the beginning.

Cougar didn’t expect what he saw when opened the window. Jake stood there, arms wrapped around himself, eyes red behind his glasses. Blood was congealing under his nose, more smeared across his cheek in what looked like an attempt to wipe it away. There was no smile, not even the barest hint; that was far more unnerving than the state the younger boy was in.

Cougar stepped back, silently inviting him in, not surprised when Jake simply hoisted himself through the window, not even making eye contact.

“I need that box back, Cougs. And I came to say goodbye.” Jensen mumbled, dropping his arms away, revealing that his tee shirt had been ripped almost the whole way down the front, barely held together by an inch or two of fabric at the bottom.

Cougar couldn’t help it, he reached out to the younger boy, manhandling him across the room and depositing him on the bed. Cupping Jake’s chin gently he tipped his head back, taking a better look at the damage, fanning his fingers over the boy’s cheek, brushing away the drying smear of blood. He didn’t need to ask what had happened; it was just the same as what had happened many times before. Only this time, Jake hadn’t bothered to clean himself up before he come over.

Jensen tried to look away, bringing his hands up to try and push the older boy away, but he faltered, fingers curling around the hem of Cougar’s shirt and pulling him closer. Pressing his forehead against the other boy’s stomach he let out a hitching breath that sounded too close to a sob. He felt a hand run slowly through his hair, another rest lightly on his shoulder.

“I’m leaving tonight. I really can’t go back there now. I just came to get my stuff, and I’ll be gone. I got a car, beaut old thing it is, got it off my neighbour, it’s an old Ford truck. I’m gonna drive there, Cougs. I’m not the best driver. Never had much chance for lessons, but he’ll be able to track me down if I take public transport. I have to leave tonight. Can’t wait any longer. I managed to pack up all the important stuff. Got a route worked out and everything, it’ll take forty two hours to get there, to Springfield, but I’ll get there, and then I’ll be able to track Jessie down from there. Forty two hours, Cougs, I can do that in four days.” He paused for a moment, breath hitching suspiciously again, fingers tightening around fabric. “Come with me Cougs. Please? You’re a good driver, you’d be able to get me there far better and easier than I would, not to mention and whole lot more legally. You can have the car too. I won’t need it once I’m there. Tell your parents you’re going on a post exams road trip. You won’t even have to be gone that long. It’s all set up, the truck, got a tarp over the tray, and a mattress, sleeping bag. Won’t be any expenses for motels or nothing. I’ll pay for all the fuel. I’ve got two thousand dollars. Well, you’ve got my two thousand dollars, but I’ll pay for fuel back too. Just please, come with me. I need you on this. I know I don’t really matter. That’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t care, but there’s stuff in this for you too. I can give you whatever is left over of the two thousand when we get there.”

Cougar tried desperately to keep up with the younger boy’s frantic babble, muffled against his stomach. There was only one part that he heard clearly, and that really mattered. Jensen wanted him to go too; it was a perfect way out, to get away from college applications and the pressure to be something he wasn’t. A chance to make sure that Jensen got to his sister safely and didn’t end up in a ditch somewhere by the side of the road.

 Tightening his grip on the boy’s shoulder he dragged his fingers through the messy blond hair. “ _Si, parlanchín._ I will come with you. I will make sure you get to your _hermana y sobrina._ ”


	7. … And a Promise of the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they drive all night and Cougar finally takes a clue by four to the back of the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for CC, to make her feel better, because she keeps on believing in this story even when I start to think that it's not all that great. 
> 
> The same goes for quandong. She keeps me working, encouraged and fueled on good ideas.

The Interstate 15 slipped away in the dark behind them, the painted lines shone in the headlights, bouncing back to reflect on the side window like lines of Morse code. The clock that glowed out of the dashboard showed that it was three in the morning; they’d been driving for close to five hours, having skirted around the outskirts of Las Vegas, rather than battling the traffic through the middle, even that late at night.

The journey so far had been uneventful, despite Jensen alternatively fiddling with the radio trying to find something decent to listen to, fidgeting in his seat until Cougar had slapped his thigh hard enough to leave a handprint, and slumping against the door staring quietly out at the night. Not that he’d admit it, but Cougar almost wished he’d go back to fidgeting and talking, rather than sitting there so mutely.

The truck wasn’t as bad as the older boy had initially feared that it would be; he didn’t ask Jake how much he’d paid for it, simply gave it a cautionary once over before throwing his bag into the back of the tray. It had been set up as promised, with the makings of a bed in the back, and to his surprise, a reasonable stockpile of food. Maybe the plan wasn’t as half-cocked and ill thought out as Jensen had made it seem.

Another mile ticked over on the odometer. Cougar glanced over at the still silent boy, wondering if he needed to apologise. Jensen looked over, catching his eye, giving the older boy a rather sleepy smile, and stretched his legs out as he tugged his shirt back together again self-consciously. He wasn’t sure why the blond hadn’t just gotten a new shirt out before they left, but he figured that in usual Jake fashion, he’d been so caught up in the moment that it just hadn’t occurred to him at the time.

Leaning away from the door, Jensen scooted over on the bench seat as much as his seatbelt would allow, dropping his head onto Cougar’s shoulder, resting it there lightly until he received no protest. “I’m tired, Cougs, you tired? We should stop soon. You look tired. It’s been a long day.”

The older boy nodded, concentrating on the road, eyes occasionally flickering to the rear-view mirror as yet another mile ticked over. “ _Si._ The sign said there is a rest stop up head.”

Jake sat back up again, staring intently out the front windscreen, yawning despite his best efforts. So getting away had been a good idea, made even better that he had Cougar with him, but, Christ, sitting in a car for long periods of time was boring. Especially so late at night, or early in the morning as it now was. He wasn’t sure why they’d just kept driving; he had insisted that they at least start their trip that night, wanting to get as far away from his father before it was noticed that he’d run off. It really was running away, that in itself was too surreal; a dream he’d had ever since Jessie had left, and finally, the means to execute the plan, and a partner in crime. He couldn’t help but grin at Cougar at that thought, getting a raised eyebrow in response, though he hadn’t even seen the slightest flicker of movement of the older boy’s brown eyes to indicate that he’d been seen.

Five miles down the road they finally pulled off at the rest stop, bypassing the service station in order to park down at the end of the cleared gravelled area, as far away from the few other vehicles that had already parked there. Jensen bolted out of the cab before the engine had even been shut off, leaving Cougar alone inside the car for a moment. He couldn’t believe it, not really, it hadn’t quiet sunk in yet that he’d really just driven over two hundred and fifty miles away from home, without even so much as leaving a note. It was definitely one of the most _loco_ things he’d ever done, and despite how much he wanted to, Cougar couldn’t really blame Jensen for it. He could have said no, could have tried to stop the younger boy from going, instead he’d easily agreed to going, and it wasn’t even for the promise of a car, or whatever money was left over.

Letting his head fall back, he couldn’t help but sigh. Not his best idea ever, not by a long shot, and yet, if there was regret, it hadn’t set in yet. Jensen had relaxed and slipped back into his usual character as soon as they’d hit the interstate. And any and all repercussions that may come out of this seemed to be inconsequential in comparison to seeing the younger boy happy.

The realisation that Jake’s happiness actually meant something to him hit Cougar like a tonne of bricks. He sat there for a dizzying moment his mind running over all the things about the younger boy that got to him, the almost ever present smile, the way that he never seemed to be able to sit still, the need to make noise, all the bullshit that he talked. It was those things that mattered, not the blow jobs or getting each other off. It was supposed to only be about the physical side of things. That was all it was ever supposed to be. Cougar realised what an _idiota_ he had been to think that he would always be able to keep it at only that. He’d convinced himself he didn’t care for the whole school year, had kept Jensen just far enough away from him to let himself believe that he didn’t really matter. And yet, he’d broken into a room at a party in order to make sure the blond was okay. He’d let him into his room time and time again, even when Jensen had shown up unannounced. And he’d just driven five hours in the dark, having left home without a word to his parents, because Jake had asked him to come too. Because he couldn’t bear the thought of the younger boy ending up dead in a ditch somewhere. He’d agreed to drive the whole way across the country, and no one agreed to do that for the promise of an old Ford truck and what possible change there would be from two thousand dollars.

There was a tap on the window, breaking the quiet boy out of his thoughts, something he was rather grateful of as they were crossing into more and more dangerous territory. Cougar looked up and saw the blond grinning at him through the window, eyebrows raised in question. He opened the door, taking the keys out of the ignition and twisted on the seat to let his legs hang out of the car, waiting for the younger boy to start talking.

“You gonna sleep in there, sitting up? Can’t imagine that’ll be comfortable. I’ve set up the bed in the back, if we can even call it that, but hey, it’s bound to be more comfortable than in there or on the ground. Less chance of snakes too. Not that they are too active at night time, though it is still reasonably warm, so I wouldn’t be surprised.” The blond stepped forward as he babbled, leaning one arm against the side of the cab, the other hand braced on the edge of the seat between Cougar’s legs. Waggling his eyebrows he grinned suggestively. “Besides, we can pull the tarp over and get up to all sorts of fun.”

Cougar felt his breath catch, heart slam against his chest painfully; it was not the way his body was supposed to react to such a suggestion. He clenched his hands into fists, pulling in a deep breath, turning his face away from the boy in front of him. “I did not come with you just for that.”

Jensen paused for a moment, dropping his hand away, but not backing up at all. It was again with the hot and cold attitude; it seemed it was back to the ‘I’m being completely indifferent to you, so much so I don’t even want to jump your bones anymore.’ It was certainly not his favourite Cougar mood at any given time, especially not when he was horny and just wanted some attention dammit. “Yeah, I know, but you gotta admit that it’ll be fun.”

The older boy slid forward off the seat, dropping to the ground, his body pressed against the blond’s. He felt and heard the sudden intake of breath, but Jensen didn’t back up at all. Cougar looked up at the younger boy, letting his hands reach out to grip the two sides of the ripped shirt, tugging them apart. Jake stopped breathing when he ghosted his fingers over the exposed skin.

“Fun?” Cougar murmured as he leant closer, head dipped so he was breathing directly against the hollow at the base of the younger boy’s throat. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing, his mind still reeling over the earlier revelation, but the compulsion to just touch the taller boy was getting too much to ignore. He pressed his hands to bare skin, one curved around a prominent hip bone, the other resting against the base of his rib cage. Tipping his head back Cougar could see the effect he was having. Jensen’s mouth hung open ever so slightly, breathing ragged, eyes wide and staring at him as though he was afraid that if he blinked he’d miss something.

He knew he should stop, should put a respectable amount of space between himself and the younger boy, but he couldn’t move, he didn’t want to stop touching Jensen. He wanted to touch every inch of him, every part he’d been so deliberately ignoring all year. He wanted to kiss him and strip him naked and fuck him so perfectly that Jake would never want anyone else. He never wanted to share him ever again.

It struck him then, that Clara had been able to see something that he’d refused to see long before then. He wanted Jensen to be his.

It made so much sense to agree to run away; to get Jensen away from all those other people, give him the chance at a clean start, where he didn’t have to suck cock unless he really wanted to and didn’t have to do anyone’s homework but his own. Where they could both be something else; where Jensen could go to college early and it didn’t matter if he didn’t know how to socialise with his peers. Where Cougar’s plans could involve the army, and maybe, just maybe, they could involve the messed up blond kid who was breathing heavily against his face.

Cougar watched Jensen lick is lips, then swallow noticeably, eyes still boring into his, unblinking and unwavering. He let his hands press tighter to the younger boy, fingertips digging into pale skin. Raising one eyebrow ever so slightly, he tried to keep his voice as level as he could, not wanting to give any indication of the fact he as painfully turned on, or the inner turmoil he was feeling. It was one thing to finally realise he liked Jake like that; it was another entirely to act upon it. After all, Jensen had never tried to change things throughout the year, so maybe he’d changed his mind since he’d asked to be his boyfriend.

“Fun, is that all you want?” Cougar tipped his face back, leaning in a little closer, watching the blue eyes go unfocused as they tried to stay on him.

Jensen licked his lips again, caught between wanting to back away and to stay right where he was. He could feel the warmth radiating out from where the older boy’s hands rested, his skin growing almost uncomfortably clammy, but he didn’t want to move. He tried to form words, not even sure what he wanted to say if he could get his mouth to work. It wasn’t often that Jake Jensen ran out of things to say, however, the close proximity, the touching, it was all too much.

He managed to smile, the wide default grin, it didn’t reach his eyes. Cougar noticed, eyes narrowing slightly, eyebrows pulling down; Jensen not talking was worrying enough, but that fake smile was not something that the older boy had ever really learnt to deal with. The grin faltered, blue eyes suddenly determined. Before he knew what was going on, Cougar found himself pressed back against the car, lips pushed roughly against his. There wasn’t time to react; he barely had time to think that he actually wanted to kiss Jensen this time, before the taller boy had backed away.

Stepping back to put a good metre between them, Jake smiled apologetically, rubbing at the back of his neck with one hand, the other pulling his shirt closed again. “Shit, sorry Cougs. I don’t even know why I did that. I mean, you… I… fuck… you’re gorgeous, and so close, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I like you, Cougar, you’re my only friend, but I like you way more than that, and I’m sorry. I can keep it physical, I mean, we managed so far, no worries. Just, please, don’t leave me here. I understand that you don’t really like me, and that’s okay, I’m happy you just put up with me. It’s more than most people ever did.”

It took a moment for what the younger boy was saying to sink in; Cougar stood there, still leaning against the car, feeling slightly out of breath. It had been months, most of the school year, since Jensen had kissed him; he wasn’t sure what to do about it. He was still trying to catch up with the realisation that he liked Jake. And, hell, it was nearly four in the morning; hardly the time for emotional epiphanies.

When there was no response either way, Jensen dropped the smile, hugging his arms back around his chest. “I’m gonna go to bed. If you wanna, there’s room for you. If not, just take one of the blankets and sleep in the front, I guess. Or I can. Whatever you want.”

With that, the younger boy shuffled towards the back of the vehicle, hoisting himself up onto the tray. Pausing long enough to pull his shoes off and tuck them against the side of the tray, he slithered down into the bed. After a moment, Jake shrugged off the tattered remains of his shirt, tossing it in the general direction of his shoes. It had been one of his favourite tee shirts too, which meant that the worn fabric hadn’t ever stood a chance. Still, escaping had made it worth the sacrifice.

He didn’t want to think about home, though it was a struggle to call it that since Jessie left, he wanted to think about getting as far away as possible and finally seeing his sister again. What it would be like the first time he got to hold his little niece; he didn’t have a lot of experience with babies, but he’d learn how to look after her, and help out as much as he could, and get a proper job so he could cover expenses. He would do everything he could to ensure that Beth had a better life than he’d had. There wasn’t much he could do, but he knew he’d love her and look after her as much as he could.

Maybe he’d finish school, though he could skip the rest and just go straight to college; what was beyond that, he didn’t know, something with computers would be good. He’d sold his laptop in order to buy the truck, it’d take time to save up enough to buy another one, a decent one that he actually wanted, especially since he’d promised anything left over from the two thousand he’d set aside for the trip to Cougar.

Cougar. What the fuck was he going to do about him? Every time he thought he was getting somewhere with the older boy, it all went belly up. Because he did stupid shit like kiss him, when Cougar had made it abundantly clear that they’d never be anything more than whatever their messed up arrangement could be called. It made sense, though, why would Cougar want anything to do with him, he was too fucked up for anyone to like him, let alone love him. He’d told Cougar at the beginning that he wasn’t asking him to love him; that in itself was true, he wouldn’t ever ask him to, but Christ, he wanted him to. Maybe, maybe there would have been a chance if he wasn’t so messed up, but he was, he’d sucked far too many cocks to deny that fact.

There was the sound of movement outside, breaking Jensen from his thoughts. He blinked, twisting so he could see Cougar as the smaller boy climbed up onto the back of the truck, kicking off his shoes and emptying his pockets before wiggling into the bed behind the blond. They lay there for a moment, back to back, not touching, barely sharing the blanket. Jake sighed, louder than he’d meant to, causing Cougar to flinch slightly.

For a long moment, the blond held his breath, waiting to see what would happen, not daring to move, even slightly. It was too dangerous. He’d kissed Cougar when he really shouldn’t have, who knew how the older boy would react to it. He was surprised into breathing again when there was a shift behind him and a hand rested on his shoulder lightly.

“I don’t not like you, Jake.” Cougar whispered into the dark space in front of him where he knew the other boy was still awake and listening. It wasn’t much, he knew that, but saying what he really felt was just crazy. What he felt was crazy. “I will take you all the way to Springfield.”

Jensen let out a small sigh of relief, his body relaxing back against the hand. For a while, it was just a simple touch, then Cougar let his hand slide down to loop around the younger boy’s waist, pulling their bodies together.

Then, as though he knew the other boy was about to start babbling again, about who knows what, Cougar huffed softly, pressing his nose against a bare shoulder. “Sleep, _parlanchín._ Plenty time to talk tomorrow.”


	8. Bury My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive my terrible Spanish. It is all courtesy of of Google Translate. Feel free to correct if you know the correct translations. 
> 
> Also, sorry for the delay. This story is now finished, barring any major edits suggested by my beta. The last two chapters are still sitting with her at the moment.
> 
> Song title "Bury My Life" by Deligma

Cougar woke up to the sun peeking over the hills, already making promises of a warm day. Jensen was still asleep at his side, blond hair sticking up all over the place, with one arm under his head and the other stretched out behind him, his fingers tangled with Cougar's. He didn't remember taking the younger boy's hand at all but the cramped feeling in his fingers indicated that he must have held it all night. He flexed his fingers slightly, tried to separate them from Jensen's grip, only to have the younger boy mumble sleepily and roll over. Blue eyes blinked at him, unfocused and bleary with sleep.

“You’re still here?” The younger boy smiled softly, fingers tightening around the hand in his, as he wriggled closer until they were almost touching.

Stretching as best he could on the cramped mattress, Cougar nodded through a yawn. “ _Si_. With you until we get there. Until you find your sister.”

The smile faded, leaving Jensen looking nervous. “What will you do after we get there? I know I said you can have the truck, and that means you can go home whenever you like. But you don’t have to. I mean, I’m not going to send you off as soon as we get there. You could stick around for a while, if you wanted. Maybe. I’m sure Jess won’t mind. I hope she won’t mind. She might though. What if she doesn’t want me there either? Then what, Cougar? I don’t have a backup plan. I need a backup plan. Shit. What are we going to do? I can’t go back again. There’s no way I can go back. That is in so many ways a bad idea. What are we going to do? What am I going to…?”

Cougar pressed his hand over the blond’s mouth, shutting up the urgent prattle. He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, just appreciating the relative silence, able to get his own thoughts in order. “We’ll figure it out if it happens. You do not have to go back.”

Jensen nodded mutely, appearing to have calmed down. However, as soon as the hand was removed he was talking again. “What if Jessie doesn’t want me there? Where will I go then?”

Disentangling his fingers, Cougar wrapped his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders, tucking his chin over the top of his head, letting his fingers trail up and down Jensen’s spine. “Then we will figure something out. Find somewhere else to go.”

Tucking himself against the other boy’s body, Jake buried his face against Cougar’s chest, trying to focus on the conversation more so than the close proximity and intimacy of their current situation. “We? Sounds like you’re planning on sticking around.”

There was a drawn out moment of silence before the older boy let out a sigh. “ _Si, parlanchín_. Will not abandon you with no place to go.”

He knew that the way Cougar was acting, making promises like he cared, touching him, holding him, but still freaking out when he kissed him, should have bothered him. It was back to the emotional rollercoaster, but Jensen really didn’t want to think about it. He knew he wasn’t good enough to be more than a friend, so maybe this was just how their friendship would go. He’d take what he could get and go with it; as long as Cougar was going to stick around, he wasn’t about to complain. It was the closest thing to a relationship that he was ever going to get.

***

They drove most of the day, stopping along the way to fuel up and have lunch, swapping over in the late afternoon. Traffic was almost non-existent so Cougar thought that there was little harm in Jensen driving, even though he was very conscious of everything the younger boy did to start with. After the first half an hour he relaxed more, not enough to fall asleep, but enough to be comfortable with Jake driving.

The sun set, but they kept driving for another hour, crossing the border into Nebraska, until Jensen estimated that they still had another two very long days’ worth of driving. They’d make it there if they put in close to twelve hours a day.

They pulled into a small parking bay, already occupied by another car and a single figure sitting by a small fire. Jensen parked the car as far away from the other as possible, but didn’t hesitate to jump out of the vehicle. Cougar followed more slowly; hesitant about having someone else so close. It was rather obvious that they were two teenagers traveling alone.

Jensen clambered up into the back of the truck and set the bed up for the night. He looked up when he heard someone approaching the side of the car. Instinctively he tensed up when he noticed it wasn’t Cougar. It was the man from the other car, tall, dark haired and older than the two of them, Jensen guessed he would have been in his mid to late twenties.

“Hey, how’s it going? I’m Jared,” The stranger said, and leant casually against the side of the truck.

Jensen grinned at him from where he stood in the back of the truck. “Jensen, and my friend Cougar is around here somewhere. Cougs?”

The older boy appeared at the end of the truck, eyes narrowed at the newcomer. He didn’t trust the man, not the overt friendliness, or the way that he was eyeing off Jensen as he stood in the back of the truck.

“I’ve got some food cooking on the grill, if you’re interested in joining me, plenty enough for three, figure it’s easier for you than having to start cooking for yourself this time of night.” Jared offered, focusing solely on the blond kid, picking him as the friendlier of the two.

Jensen’s gaze flickered over to the other boy; Cougar narrowed his eyes, his head moving minutely from side to side. It was a bad idea, the older boy didn’t trust the strange man, he’d much rather that they got back in the car and found somewhere else to park.

“Um,” Jake started, looking back at the man, rubbing one hand over the back of his head. “Nah, we’re alright, just gonna head to bed, I think.”

When Cougar moved back to the cab of the truck, taking the keys from the ignition, Jared tapped on the bed of the tray, getting the blond’s attention again. “Don’t have to let your boyfriend tell you what to do.”

Jensen let out a snort of laughter, because it was easier than dwelling on that feeling of longing. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

Jared nodded, glancing back towards his campfire. “Then come over and have something to eat. It’s already cooked. I’ve even got beer if you want a drink.”

“Hey Cougs,” Jensen called out, glancing over his shoulder. “Let’s go have dinner with Jared. Sure beats cooking for ourselves.”

He didn’t wait for a response, vaulting over the side of the tray, grinning at the older man. “So, what’s for dinner?”

***

Cougar sat one side of the campfire, watching Jensen chatting away to the man who’d introduced himself as Jared; animatedly telling stories about his computer and various different TV shows and movies that he’d seen. He absolutely was not feeling jealous that all of the younger boy’s attention was on the stranger. But Cougar certainly didn’t like the way that the man was leaning too close, or letting his hand rest on Jensen’s knee.

Standing up, Cougar stretched his back. “ _Parlanchín,_ we should sleep, still a long way to go.”

Jensen looked up, blinking a few times, his hands still in mid-air. A frown creased his brow, but he nodded slowly. “Yeah, guess that’s true.”

“It’s still early,” Jared protested, smiling at the blond. “You could stay up a little while longer, surely J. I’m sure you’re buddy Cougs can drive in the morning if you’re still tired.”

“No!” Cougar felt his hackles go up, he didn’t want to leave Jake alone with the man. “We’re going to bed now.”

The younger boy jerked around to face him, mouth opening and closing a few times as he tried to work a protest, but Jared spoke first.

“ _Es tuyo_?”He asked. _Is he yours?_

Cougar started to move around the fire, getting closer to the blond, but his gaze was fixed on the man, narrowed into a fierce glare.

“ _Si no es el suyo, usted debe compartir.”_ Jared smirked, his hand trailing up Jensen’s thigh slowly. _If he’s not yours, you should share._

Jake stiffened, eyes darting back to the man, the deep sense of betrayal starting to settle. He wasn’t sure what Jared was saying, but the touch was more than enough of an indication of his intentions. The man wasn’t looking at him though, too focussed on Cougar. Jensen swivelled around again, looking at the older boy. He looked positively furious.

“ _Bastardo!”_ Cougar spat, stepping closer, reaching out and grabbing the shoulder of Jensen’s shirt. “Get in the truck. We’re going.”

The younger boy scrambled to his feet, taking a few steps back towards Cougar. Jared had seemed like an okay sort of guy, friendly and interested in what Jake had to say about computers and slightly excited babble of how they were on their way to meet his niece. He’d seemed alright, but that hand on his thigh, the overt lust in his eyes, dirty and predatory. He was just like everyone else. The sharp feeling of betrayal was unjustified, Jensen knew that. After all, he deserved it, he’d let him get close, kept talking and encouraging him. He’d practically been leading the guy on. 

Jared stood up slowly, pointedly ignoring the feral snarl that escaped Cougar. “What’s wrong? Jake, I thought we were having a good time. Thought that we’d hit it off fairly well.”

It was a rare occasion that Jensen didn’t actually want to talk. He took a step back, wanting nothing more than to put Cougar between himself and Jared, to get as far away as possible, retreat to the truck and just get the fuck out of there. He wanted to run away again, because it had worked so far and staying where they were seemed like the stupidest idea ever.

It shouldn’t have been such a surprise; the younger boy berated himself for being so blind. Of course getting away from school and that house wouldn’t actually change anything.

“Get in the truck.” Cougar’s voice cut through his thoughts, harsh, but not uncaring.

The blond nodded, taking another step backwards only to be stopped by Jared reaching out and catching his wrist in one hand. Jake froze, eyes darting desperately towards Cougar; he didn’t want to get stuck again, not in a situation like that. Instinct was telling him to get out of there, to beg and plead for Cougar to help him, but the part of his brain that pretended to be logic was telling him that it’d all just be easier if he let Jared do what he wanted, that it’d be over quicker.

Cougar surged forward, grabbing Jensen’s arm at the elbow, yanking it back and trying to free him from the other man’s grasp. Even though he spoke to the older man, he clearly pronounced his statement in English, because he _felt_ that more than anything, Jensen needed to hear it. “He’s too good for the likes of you.”

“ _Yo le mostraré un mejor tiempo de lo que nunca lo haría_.” Jared smirked, stepping closer and tightening his hold on the blond kid’s wrist, staring down at the shorter of the two boys, the one who was finding the balls to stand up to him. “ _Mierda mejor que el culo apretado de lo que nunca se_.” _I’d show him a better time that you ever would. Fuck that tight arse better than you ever will._

Cougar bristled; he was seeing red the same way he did back in that room at that party. The man was talking about Jake as though he was an object, deliberately omitting him from the conversation; though maybe the use of Spanish was a good thing. Jensen didn’t need to hear those things being said. The boy beside him let out a strangled sort of groan, his free hand coming up to bunch around the sleeve of Cougar’s shirt while he tried to free his other wrist.

“You know, I really don’t appreciate that whole secret Spanish conversations going on here.” The nervous prattle erupted from him like rapid gunfire before Jake could really think about what he was saying. “I mean, normally I love the whole mysterious exotic thing that comes with foreign languages, but dudes, really not liking it here. Just let go, fucktard, and we’ll be leaving. Cougs here wants to go, and you don’t want to stop him, he’s a grumpy kitty when he doesn’t get what he wants.”

The man turned towards Jensen, quirking an eyebrow in a fashion that was far too sinister to be likened to the similar expression that Cougar had pulled many times before.

“How about what I want? You owe me for dinner. It’s only polite after all. Now I don’t want any harm to come to your little protector there, but seriously, put a leash on your cat and things will all be sweet.”

There was so much unsaid in that statement; a threat directed towards Cougar, and Jake couldn’t stand for that. His hand loosened from the older boy’s shirt, and the caress of his fingers down Cougar’s arm wasn’t intentional, but he knew he had to do something to defuse the situation. The older boy was practically vibrating with anger, but Jared was a league that was far more dangerous than Wade. The damage he could cause, even against the two of them, was probably on par with his father.  He worked the calculations in his head, they were far too close to Jared’s vehicle and too far from their own; if they ran for it, it’d be too unmatched. Cougar looked seconds away from pouncing on the stranger like his namesake, but physically, height and weight were in Jared’s favour.

And it really wasn’t worth all the fuss.

Both hands had tightened around his arm, but it was Cougar’s that Jensen reached to free himself from. Catching the older boy’s eye, he looked at him, hoping that Cougar would just understand that it was okay, that he was used to this, that making sure they got out of there alright was worth a blow job if that was what it took.

Cougar stared back with such a strong mixture of fear and anger that it was almost too much; Jensen almost lost his resolve and gave in to the urge to fight free and run, damn the consequences. But he couldn’t.

“Okay, have it your way, big guy, what’ll it be?”

Those words and the looked they gained from Jared was enough to tip Cougar over the edge. He grabbed a fistful of Jensen’s shirt, hauling the boy backwards, freeing his arm from the man’s grip in the process. Jensen stumbled behind him, falling over, but Cougar didn’t notice, launching himself at Jared without hesitation, smacking both hands into his chest and shoving him backwards.

Jared recovered quickly, pushing forward again, rounding on the boy who had put himself between the blond who was struggling to his feet and himself. He lunged forward, making a grab for Cougar’s shirt, but his fingers raked across fabric as the boy danced backwards a few steps. He was quick on his feet, Jared had to give him that, but he could tell from the jarringly reflexive way that he moved that he wasn’t used to fighting. Advancing, the man took a swing at the boy, who ducked backwards, narrowly avoiding the hit but stumbling into Jensen.

“Stop it,” Jensen tried frantically to stop Cougar from moving forward again, but the older boy simply shrugged his hands off. “It’s not worth it, Cougs, I can just suck his dick and we can get out of here.”

Cougar growled, shoving the younger boy back with one hand, not taking his eyes off the man who was advancing again. It was worth it, Jensen was worth it, and he’d be damned if he was going to let that man get his hands on the boy.

“Maybe you should listen to your friend, Cougar,” Jared sneered, a condescending tone inflicted upon the name. “The little slut is obviously keen for it.”

Cougar flew at the man; body colliding with Jared’s when he caught him by surprise, knocking him to the ground. Half kneeling on his chest, Cougar brought his fist down, connecting with Jared’s cheek. He ignored the sting in his knuckles, ignored the desperate protests from Jake behind him, ignored the way Jared had gotten one hand up to scrabble at his tee shirt. He wanted to hurt Jared, to shut him up, make him stop from saying horrible stuff about Jensen. He punched him until there was blood on his hand, he wasn’t sure who most of it had come from. He hit him until the hand loosened on his tee shirt. Until Jensen finally hauled him off, arms wrapped around his chest, dragging him backwards.

Cougar stared down at the man on the ground; Jared groaned, dragged himself half up off the ground, spitting blood. He wanted to push him back down, to stop him from getting up, but his whole arm hurt, not just his hand, he could feel the pain in his knuckles right up to his shoulder. Pulling away from Jensen, Cougar kicked out at the downed man, covering him with dust rather than making contact.

“Leave us the fuck alone.” Cougar snarled, catching a fistful of Jensen’s shirt when the younger boy tried to move closer to him again. “We’re going. Get in the truck.”

He didn’t take his eyes off the man by the campfire the whole way back, even as he secured the cover back onto the tray. Climbing in behind the wheel, he tried not to focus on the exhaustion from already spending the whole day in the car after very little sleep, or the pain in his arm. They couldn’t travel much further, not like they were, but he had to get Jake somewhere safe from predators like Jared. He couldn’t see it, not since the party, but there must just be something about the boy that attracted bastards like that. But Cougar wasn’t about to let anyone like that near Jake, not if he could help it. This was supposed to be a fresh start, a chance for something better; no more sexual favours begrudgingly given. He knew the biggest part of that was he didn’t want anyone else to have Jensen. He could admit it to himself, finally, that he wanted to keep the boy all to himself.

The road slipped past, headlights picking up a sign saying that there was a town fifty miles ahead. With any luck, there would be a motel, and maybe Jensen wouldn’t mind paying for a room for the night. Cougar had the sudden urge to have a locked door between them and the rest of the world, a hot shower and somewhere safe to sleep.

Jensen sat silently in the passenger seat, arms hugged around himself, eyes fixed on the dark, moving scenery out the window.

Cougar glanced over when there was a straight section of road. He wanted to reach out to the younger boy, wanted to comfort him, but he wasn’t sure if physical contact was the best idea. Instead, he tried suggesting his idea. Jensen wouldn’t look at him, so he had no way of gauging what the boy thought of what had happened. “Thought maybe we could get a motel room. Shower. Decent sleep.”

Jensen nodded slowly, without looking over. “Guess we do stink a bit. I feel pretty dirty and horrible.”

There was so much more meaning behind those words than just the innocent allusion to their hygiene, Cougar could tell. “ _Parlanchín?”_

“What did he say, Cougs?” The younger boy didn’t take his eyes off the window, but his body stiffened at the memory of Jared saying something in Spanish and putting his hand high up on his thigh. It sucked, that he just couldn’t get away from it. He thought that getting out of his home town would have changed things. He’d foolishly hoped that it would.

Cougar was silent for a long time, focussing on driving. The scene played through his head, every untoward glance he caught Jared giving Jake, the intense build-up of distrust he had felt towards the man, the roar of possessiveness he felt for the younger boy. “He wanted me to share you. With him.”

“Why didn’t you?” He was trying for nonchalant, maybe even defiant, but Jake could tell that his voice was anything but. Scared, or maybe a touch too hopeful. Hopeful that there were reasons why Cougar hadn’t wanted to share him. Reasons that he was completely unjustified in hoping for. The other boy didn’t like him. Not like that. “It would have been so much easier. I would have done it, you know, what he wanted, so we could get out of there. You didn’t need to hit him. What if you had been hurt?”

Cougar didn’t reply straight away, torn between pulling the car over and making Jensen understand, or to keep driving and having that as an excuse not to talk about it. It was only after another mile had ticked over on the odometer and the younger boy had settled back into an unnatural silence that he found the right words. “He wanted to fuck you. You’re better than that. Deserve better.”

The extra inflection on the last two words didn’t really register. “I’m not better than that, Cougs, and you know it. It’s all anyone ever wants from me, and I know that it’s self-perpetuating, that I’ve encouraged it, but hell, if they were going to make me do it anyway, I figured it could at least be on my terms and at a price to them. And I would have done it, to keep you out of trouble. You didn’t have to hit him. Jesus, what if he calls the cops? What then? You messed him up, Cougs, you really did. And I don’t get why. You didn’t need to defend my honour, fuck knows I’ve got none of that left. You don’t even care, really, the only reason you put up with me is because you want to stick your dick up my arse.”

Cougar felt a hot mixture of anger and shame like a punch in the chest. It was partially his fault, he knew that, he’d never done anything to try and prove Jensen wrong, just let him believe all along that it was strictly physical. He couldn’t let that keep going; he knew he had to do something about it.

That in mind, Cougar slowed the vehicle down and pulled over onto a clear shoulder. As if he could tell something was about to happen, Jensen bailed out of the truck, slamming the door and starting off in the darkness. The older boy scrambled out of the cab and followed.

“It’s not the only reason!” Cougar called out to the shadowy figure some twenty paces ahead of his. “ _Parlanchín_ …”

Jensen stopped, arms still hugged around himself, but he didn’t turn around. “Fuck, Cougar, don’t mess with me. All year I’ve hoped that you’d want this to be more than just getting each other off. I wanted you to want to be my friend, to care, without all that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great, I’m a horny teenager after all; I’m not going to complain that someone wanted to touch my dick. But, hell, I wanted you to care, and I understand that you don’t, and I don’t blame you. I’m not worth it. So don’t pretend. It’s cruel.”

Cougar stepped closer, slowly, sure that Jensen would spook if he moved too quickly. There was an unfamiliar ache in his chest, and if he was honest, he felt sick in his stomach. He wanted to grab the blond and hold onto him until he understood what it was he was feeling. “I do care. Would I be here if I didn’t?”

Jensen’s shoulders stiffened, but he didn’t move further away, or turn around. Facing Cougar would be too hard; he’d probably do something stupid like kiss him again. And that was definitely a bad idea, because it made it all that much harder to ignore the way his heart beat faster and the words that he wanted to say, but knew he couldn’t. Words he’d wanted to say since before the Christmas break. “Figured you were in it for the car.”

He started walking again; he didn’t know where he was planning on going, just running away again, because it was easier. He ran away from home, though he struggled to call it that, because it was easier than dealing with his father, because it was easier than playing the bruises off as though they were nothing. It had been a moment of desperation when he’d asked Cougar to go with him; desperate for something that resembled friendship, something he hoped could be more. He didn’t regret Cougar being there, it just made it all the more obvious just how he felt about the older boy, and just how futile it really was. Hence, running away, because it was easier than facing his feelings.

Cougar noticed that Jensen was moving again, walking further into the dark. He started to follow; the younger boy heard the pursuit and broke into a run. Determined not to let him get away, Cougar pushed himself into a run, putting in a burst of speed and caught up within a few seconds. Reaching out, Cougar grabbed the back of Jensen’s tee shirt, hauling him back. Jake stopped abruptly, causing the older boy to collide with him, sending them both tumbling into the dirt.

Cougar scrambled up first, rolling the younger boy over and straddling his legs and pinning him to the ground. Jensen lay there, winded, covered in dirt, glasses slightly askew. He tried a few feeble attempts to dislodge the older boy atop him, but Cougar didn’t budge, digging his knees into the dirt.

Taking Jensen’s face between his hands, ignoring the way blood from his knuckles seeped between his fingers and stained pale skin, Cougar forced the blond to look at him. When blue eyes finally relented and focused on him, he sighed out the breath he’d been holding. “Not messing with you, _parlanchín_. I care.”

Jake struggled again, getting his hands free he went to push Cougar off of him, only to notice that the older boy was leaning down, getting closer. He wanted to push him away, to put a safe distance between them, but Cougar’s breath was tickling his face and then his lips were against his.

Cougar was kissing him.

It took a while for that realisation to sink in; it wasn’t until the older boy had backed off, sitting up again, that Jake finally grasped what was going on.

“For reals?” He gulped, licking his lips and trying to swallow the dirt in his mouth.

Cougar quirked an eyebrow, but his hands were still cradling the younger boy’s face. “I care. I like you. For reals.”

Grabbing hold of the collar of Cougar’s shirt, Jensen dragged him back down, mashing their lips together again. For a moment it was clumsy and hard, teeth knocking against teeth, until the older boy too control. Jake felt the instantaneous heat of arousal coursing through him. Kissing Cougar, or rather being kissed by Cougar, was infinitely better than he’d ever imagined.

When they finally separated for air, he couldn’t help the breathy murmur that passed his lips. “Fuck, that was hot.”

Cougar smirked before clambering off of the blond, offering him a hand to help him to his feet. “ _Vamanos._ Next town is not far.”

Jensen grinned nervously, keeping hold of his hand even after he was on his feet. “So, you like me?”

Cougar nodded, starting back towards the truck.

“As in you want to fuck me? But you also want to kiss me, right? Is this going to be exclusive? ‘Cause I’m fine with exclusive, even better if you want to be my boyfriend. Does this mean you’re going to stick around once we get to my sister’s? I’d like you to, but you don’t have to. I want you to be my boyfriend, for this to be exclusive. I’ve wanted that for ages, since the beginning of the year. Please say that this is going to be a thing?” Jensen’s nervous babbling came to an end when they reached the truck.

It was a shock to the system when Cougar spun him around and pushed him against the side of the truck. One hand cupped his cheek as the older boy stretched up and kissed him lightly, softer and sweeter than before.

“ _Si,_ all of the above.” Cougar whispered against Jake’s lips. He’d started it, he knew that, it was his choice to take what they were and turn it into something far more complicated. But he cared, despite trying to hard not to, and he found that it didn’t scare him nearly as much has he thought it would. Jensen needed him, and part of him liked that, liked being able to make the boy’s life better. There was a touch of guilt there too, that maybe if he’d agreed to it all earlier, he’d never have found Jake in that room. There was all kind of hurt he could have helped prevent. It was too late to change that, and no way to stop the guilt. He’d just try and make sure that Jake got to his sister safely, and then he’d do his best to make sure the boy was okay from then on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is an arse, but I needed him to get things moving a bit quicker, other wise Cougar would never have admitted anything. 
> 
> He will most likely reappear in other works of mine as an antagonist. I think my beta is also planing to steal him and inject him into one of her stories. Because he is evil, and skeevy, and that is so much fun to play with.


	9. Heartstone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is essentially smut. There is more in there, like relationship development, but there is smut. I'll leave it up to you to decide if it's any good or not. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Huge thanks to quandong_crumble for beta'ing this chapter several times. Also huge thanks to Cougars_catnip for holding my hand the while way through this, and reading it a couple paragraphs at a time and reassuring me that it was good and that I should keep going with it. Without her, the sex scene in this would have been scrapped entirely.
> 
> Chapter title: Heartstone – The Getaway Plan

They pulled into the motel car park a little after midnight, and after ringing the intercom by the door, the disgruntled night manager let them in. Jake handed over a little more than the room fee, as thanks for letting them in so late.

Cougar felt himself relax as soon as they had the door locked behind them, not caring how small the room was; it felt far safer than being in the back of the truck. He glanced around the budget room, taking in the two beds with fading comforters and thin pillows. The air conditioner unit in the wall rattled away, dispersing cool air into the room, a relief compared to the still warm weather outside. It was tempting just to collapse onto the bed and never move again, exhaustion pulling at his muscles, but Cougar knew that he’d feel far better, sleep better, if he showered first.

Jensen perched cautiously on the very end of one bed, conscious of how dusty his clothes were. He watched the other boy as he checked the window before dumping their bags onto the other bed. “You want to shower first?”

Cougar glanced up from rummaging through his bag, taking in the dirty, dishevelled sight that was Jake Jensen. The tackle into the dirt hadn’t helped at all. “No, you first.”

Jensen grabbed one of the provided, bleached white towels and searched quickly through the backpack he’d hastily thrown clothes into for a clean pair of boxers. Dropping his glasses onto the bed, he disappeared into the cramped bathroom. Through the closed door he could hear the TV being turned on, or perhaps it was from the next room over. It wouldn’t surprise him, that the walls would be so thin, it was a reasonably cheap motel. Not that he’d had a whole lot of experience staying in motels. But he knew all about thin walls. Thin walls meant odd looks from next door neighbours, and that horrid mix of fear and hope someone would just make that call to the police.

Stripping off it was easy to avoid the small mirror above the hand basin, to not look at the bruises. It wasn’t so easy to avoid looking at them as he scrubbed off several days of sweat and road grime off his body. The dark patches, yellowing around the edges, stark reminders of where he’d come from. Jensen didn’t want to think about that though. The smell of cheap hotel style individually wrapped soap filled his nose, and maybe, just maybe, this was really going to be a new start.

Cougar had kissed him after all. In the dirt, by the side of the road. And it was stupid how perfect it was, even with rocks pushing into his back, the dirt up his nose and in his mouth, somehow that didn’t matter, because Cougar had kissed him.

The shower felt far too good, and Jensen inwardly cursed Cougar for making him go first; he didn’t really want to get out. But the other boy needed to shower too. Finally dragging himself out of the shower, Jake scrubbed the towel over his body and once through his hair, not caring about the water trickling down his neck as he pulled his boxers on. He was so tired. They’d hardly slept the night before, plus, for some reason, driving just seemed to wear him out. The adrenalin from running away from Jared and the half fight half make out session he’d had with Cougar had finally worn off.

He fumbled his way out of the room, glancing at the blurry shape that was Cougar on the other side of the room, before picking up his glasses and collapsing face first onto the bed, blocking out the world with a pillow that smelt like cheap detergent. “I’m just gonna die here for a while. Hope they don’t want to kick us out too early. I feel like I could sleep for three weeks.”

Cougar huffed a laugh, staring shamelessly at the other boy’s arse; the boxers clung far too tightly. The dip of Jake’s spine right above the waistband of his boxers, bracketed by two barely there dimples was a little too tempting. Grabbing his towel, Cougar crossed the room, pausing at the other bed to trail his fingers along the grove of Jensen’s spine, watching the skin prickle and muscles spasm beneath his fingers. “Sleep then, _parlanchín.”_

Jensen groaned into the pillow. “Fuck. Like I can now, you fucking tease.”

Cougar smirked, pushing his fingers under the waistband of the boxers, feeling the cleft of the younger boy’s arse, sliding one fingertip down along it. The boy squirmed, twisting his torso around to glare at the older boy.

“Fuck off and shower, ‘cause you stink. Then we’re going to finish this. You’ve started something now and you’d better bloody finish it.”

Cougar grinned, but ducked into the bathroom before he could lose the little willpower that he had.

 

Jensen heard the shower start and couldn’t help but imagine what Cougar would look like wet and naked, and oh fuck, he hoped he had the chance to see that one day. Hell, even just to see him naked would be a lot of denied dreams come true. As if he could sleep after _that_ touch. Damn Cougar and his fingers. He was half hard just from the brush of fingers down his spine, caresses like that were so foreign to him, and that finger in his arse crack and the grin that promised something more to come had him fully hard and wanting to grind down into the mattress for some sort of release.

He heard the shower shut off and the door open a moment later but didn’t bother rolling over, just buried his face in the pillow. Jensen felt his glasses being taken carefully out of his hand, and a hand firmly pull at his shoulder. He rolled over, blinking up at the slightly blurry shape of Cougar clad only in a towel. He hastily snatched his glasses back and jammed them onto his face so he could fully appreciate the view in front of him.

Cougar stood there, towel hanging dangerously low around his hips, water dripping down his neck from his hair, smirking down at the younger boy, eyes intense. “I want to fuck you.”

Jake shuddered, feeling those words with his entire body. He wanted it; he’d wanted it since the first attempt. “The master of subtlety, you are not. But oh hell yes. I’m not about to argue with that.”

He reached out, fingers curling around the edge of the towel and pulled the older boy closer to him. Cougar let the towel slip marginally, but followed the direction from Jensen and dropped down onto the bed next to him, body pushed against the blond’s, skin against skin, chest against chest. The only things separating them were the towel and Jake’s boxers. Cougar dipped his head, capturing the other boy’s lips with his, hands seeking skin, running over the body beneath his.

Jensen squirmed, tugging at the towel because he needed more contact, needed that reassurance that it was different from last time, that this time it meant _something_. And it had to, because Cougar was kissing him, and Cougar had beat up Jared because he didn’t want Jensen to keep doing that shit with other people. Because he’d protected him, and crash tackled him into the dirt to prove that he cared, and, fuck, they were so messed up, but Cougar was trying to tug his boxers off and was sucking on the point of his shoulder and it shouldn’t have even mattered. It did, though, because he didn’t want Cougar to just use him like everyone else. It was supposed to mean something.

Cougar worked his way down Jensen’s body, discarding towel and boxers on the ground beside the bed. He trailed kisses across the younger boy’s chest, paying particular attention to where bruises still discoloured skin, because he had to prove that this was more than it had been before, had to prove that he cared, and that he wanted this to be as close to perfect as they could get.

Jensen’s hands were brushing over his shoulders, fingers trailing through his hair, and Cougar could tell by the way that Jake held his breath that he was expecting to be pushed away. He didn’t want to push those hands away, Jensen needed the contact, he always had, and Cougar knew that it had been cruel to push him away for so long. And maybe there was no way to undo that damage, but he had to fucking try.

He was reaching for his bag, nuzzling into the hollow near Jensen’s hip, just breathing in the cheap soap, clean skin and something that was so uniquely Jensen that it was intoxicating. His hand finally closed around the bottle of lube, Cougar wasn’t even sure what made him think to pack it, wishful thinking perhaps. Looking up into the curious blue gaze, he nudged Jensen’s legs apart, settling in between them.

“You want this?” Cougar had to make sure, had to know that he was doing the right thing.

Jensen nodded, licking his bottom lip. He wanted this, if it meant that Cougar cared then he definitely wanted. It was a big deal, he guessed, and if he was going to get fucked, he wanted it to be Cougar. There wasn’t anyone else. He couldn’t take his eyes off the older boy as his head dipped down, giving him full view of the expanse of Cougar’s back, all perfect tanned skin free from scars and bruises. But then Cougar’s hand closed around his erection and he felt the swipe of his tongue against the tip and Jensen wasn’t sure he could think anymore.

Instinctively he bit down on the heel of one hand, the other hand tangled in Cougar’s hair, because those words were pushing against his brain again and it was so tempting to say them, but it wasn’t the time. He lost all self control when he felt a finger slowly push inside him, and there was no stopping the words then.

“I think I love you.”

Cougar froze; the words seemed to echo throughout the room before they finally sunk in. He slowly tipped his gaze up, meeting Jensen’s wide eyed panic.

“Shit.” Jensen breathed out the word, feeling his chest tighten. This was totally not what he’d wanted to do. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I take it back. That was totally inappropriate, I know. I’ll take it back if you just keep doing _that_. What you’re doing with your fingers and your mouth. And fuck, Cougs, I’m sor...”

Cougar reached up, pushing one finger against Jensen’s lips to cut him off. All he could hear, echoing in his mind, where the words the younger boy had said back at the beginning. _‘I’m not asking you to love me.’_ No, he hadn’t, but it had gone unsaid throughout the rest of the year. “Did you mean it?”

Jake blinked a few times, eyes huge behind his glasses. After a long moment he nodded cautiously, still silent with Cougar’s finger against his lips. He meant it; at least he thought he did. To be honest he had no fucking idea what love was, but Cougar made him feel safer and more wanted than he’d ever felt. And that was it, wasn’t it?

Cougar leant forward, dragging his finger away from Jensen’s lips and capturing them with his own. He kissed him hard, trying to push whatever feeling he could into it. The confusion the twisted around his heart made it hard to work out what he really was feeling. He wanted to protect the younger boy, to look after him and make him happy. He’d done so much in the past few days, things he couldn’t imagine doing for anyone other than Jake. It was all for him. Only Jensen. Maybe that meant something.

Drawing back slightly, Cougar ran his thumb jerkily across Jensen cheek, pressing another kiss to the corner of his mouth and whispered against his skin. “It’s okay. You can. _Te amo._ Maybe.”

Jensen blinked at him, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, feeling his body relax with relief. “Fuck, that’s good enough for now. Are you sure though? I mean, don’t just say stuff like that. Yes, I’m aware that you’ve still got a couple fingers up in me, and this isn’t the best time for a conversation. But I can’t take it if you’re just saying this shit to make me feel better. I need you to mean it. Please don’t mess with me.”

Cougar fit his lips back to Jensen’s, licking his way into his mouth. Fingers pushing deeper inside the younger boy; the moan he felt vibrate against his tongue caused a jump of arousal through his body. He wanted Jake. Wanted to make him feel good. Wanted to back up what he’d said before, that it was possible that he loved him too.

Jensen squirmed beneath him, hips bucking up, one hand tangled in Cougar’s hair, the other scrabbling at his back. The drag of ragged fingernails down his spine caused a shudder to run through his body, and Cougar had to pull away in order to breathe, burying his face against Jensen’s shoulder and just take in the scent that was Jake Jensen. He couldn’t help but run his tongue along the hollow of the boy’s collarbone, tasting the slight saltiness of sweat, the sound of Jake’s breathing in his ear creating the tempo to which he moved his fingers. Pushing deeper, sliding back out again in retreat, slipping a third in to the soundtrack of Jensen’s breath hitching in a gasp.

Cougar was determined to get it right this time, to make it perfect, not to hurt Jake. He’d never forgive himself if after everything he was the one who caused the younger boy pain. He tried to move back down the body beneath his, but hands dug in, clinging desperately to him, afraid of losing the contact.

Lips pressed to the skin just beneath his ear, Cougar whispered words that he hoped would reassure Jensen. “It’s okay, _parlanchín,_ I’ve got you.”

Jensen loosened his arms, giving the older boy enough room to pull back, propped up on one arm, glancing down at him. Jensen let his hands run down Cougar’s sides, feeling the ripple of muscles against his palms. He could feel Cougar’s fingers inside him, stretching him open, the sensation somewhere close to pain. But it wasn’t, not quite, and hell, he wanted more.

“Cougs?” He knew that his voice was a little too whiney, needy, the wriggle of his hips pushing the fingers deeper. “Fuck, I need... Do something. Please?”

Cougar sat back, taking in the sight before him; Jensen lying back on the bed, face flushed, pupils blown wide. He reached out, catching one of Jensen’s hands in his own, tangling their fingers together. It seemed, somehow, more intimate than anything else they had done so far. “You ready?”

Jensen pushed his hips down, feeling the further stretch. Staring up at the older boy, he nodded slowly. “Think so. Guess we’ll just have to try and see. Sex via experimentation if you will.”

Cougar slowly pulled his fingers free, earning a bereft whimper from the younger boy. Leaning forwardhe pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Jake’s mouth. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

The ‘ _not like last time’_ went unsaid, but he could tell by the way that Jensen’s brow furrowed that he remembered the first attempt. He tightened his hold on the other boy’s hand, trying to convey that he really didn’t want to hurt him. The whole point of the past few days was to stop Jake from getting hurt. “How do you want to do this?”

Jensen couldn’t maintain eye contact, turning his head to one side, feeling blush heating up his cheeks, as he pulled his knees up, planting his feet flat on the bed, raising his hips off the bed. Taking in a slow breath he tried to quell the twist of nervousness in his stomach. “I wanna be able to see you.”

The older boy couldn’t help but stare at what was offered up before him, feeling the heat of arousal, his cock twitch, fingers flex, wanting to dip back inside that tight hole, to make Jensen squirm. But there was promise of something more, something he’d wanted to do since the Christmas break, but he’d never known how to bring it up after the first time. He didn’t want to hurt Jensen; being on top, restricting the younger boy’s movement probably wasn’t the best idea.

Clambering off the bed, Cougar tugged at Jensen’s hand until the younger boy followed him, standing slightly shaky, brows furrowed in confusion. He didn’t answer the unasked question, instead Cougar rummaged in his bag, finding a condom before letting go of the hand in his and dropping onto the bed.

“You on top.” Cougar purred, smirking with satisfaction at the shudder that ran through Jensen’s body.

“Well, shit.” Jake breathed, swallowing down the last of his nervousness, before he crawled onto the bed. Watching wide eyed as Cougar put the condom on, because, fuck, this was actually going to happen, and it was far more than he’d ever hoped for. Cougar said he maybe he loved him, and he wanted to stay with him. The hand with the busted knuckles was reaching out to him, guiding him forward, directing him to straddle his hips. His knees pressed into the bed as he lowered himself down, hands gripping Cougar’s shoulders, staring straight at him, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He could feel himself stretching around Cougar as he pushed down, and oh fuck, he couldn’t decide if it felt good or if it hurt. But he kept going, kept sinking lower, fingers digging into Cougar’s shoulders, maybe he’d be the one to leave bruises.

Cougar’s hand was on his face, thumb stroking his cheek, mouth twisted in concern but his eyes showing how much he was trying to restrain himself.

“ _Parlanchín_? You need to stop?” Cougar was sure that stopping then would kill him; the hot tightness around him, it was so tempting just to push up into Jensen, to claim him, to have him. Oh _dios,_ he wanted that, but the look on the younger boy’s face, that grimace of not quite pain, and he couldn’t hurt him. He wouldn’t hurt him.

The younger boy shook his head, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, willing his body to relax. Tilting his head slightly he pressed a kiss to the palm of Cougar’s hand; he wanted to lean forward and kiss him properly, but he wasn’t sure if he could, not yet, his body seemed to have locked up where it was. He felt Cougar’s hand caress the side of his face, down his neck, his other hand cupping his hip, thumb working small circles over his skin.

“ _Que está bien, te tengo._ ” _It’s okay, I’ve got you._ Cougar murmured, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It was difficult to stay so still, not to just thrust up into the younger boy, but he stilled himself, patient, and intent on waiting. He’d wait for Jake, because the boy deserved this to be perfect, to be on his terms. To be about him for once.

He could feel Jensen pushing himself lower, body trembling, so much so that Cougar was about the call quits to the whole thing. Then Jensen’s arse was pressed against his legs and all he could think about was the heat and how tight it felt. It felt better than anything else, better than Jake’s mouth around him. There was a distinct thought in his mind; he was glad that it was Jensen.

“Oh fuck.” Jensen drew the word out, deteriorating to a groan. The stretch and slight burn of fullness made it hard to focus on anything else. He was distantly aware that Cougar was whispering a phrase over and over, something in Spanish. Something comforting.

There was a little voice in his mind telling him to move. Hands still gripping Cougar’s shoulders, Jensen shifted his hips, rocking forward and up, and the burn receded slightly, pushed away by a lick of pleasure that rolled through him, settling in the base of his stomach. When he sank back down again Cougar let out a low moan, a sound that Jensen knew he should be proud to be the cause of. The thought tugged a smile onto his lips, and he opened his eyes to look at the older boy. Cougar’s eyes were almost black, his pupils blown wide, mouth open.

It was too tempting. Jensen leant forward, lips crushing against Cougar’s, a mixture of a gasp and a moan caught between their mouths. The new angle pushed at a spot inside him that made his eyes roll back and a shudder run through his body. When he tried to sit back up, Cougar’s arms wrapped around his back, hands rubbing over his skin, stroking along his spine. Then he didn’t want to move, he wanted to stay there, kissing Cougar, his erection trapped between their bodies in a way that he felt every movement with his entire body. Each time he rocked forward, each time Cougar’s hands on his hip and lower back pushed him back down. Each touch of lips, tongue and teeth. The dampness of Cougar’s hair tangled in his fingers. The air that puffed across his skin every time the older boy exhaled. The vibrations in his chest from the noises they were both making, but he could no longer keep track of which voice was his.

Cougar’s hips rose to push into him, picking up the pace to something frantic, desperate, searching for more feeling, more sensation, pushing towards release, and it was impossible to keep kissing him. Jensen buried his face against Cougar’s neck and it was all he could do to remember how to breathe, the heat building inside him. The delicious full feeling, the stretch that had stopped being almost pain, the spark of pleasure every time Cougar pushed back into him. The friction of Cougar’s skin against his cock, the teeth scraping against his shoulder. It was all too much.

The build-up of pleasure inside him finally pushed free, hands clinging desperately to Cougar’s hair, incoherent words and sounds tumbling out of his mouth, smothered against the side of Cougar’s neck. Jensen felt his orgasm tear through him, more intense than any before, distantly aware of the come against his skin and the way Cougar tensed beneath him, pushing up and deep, a familiar shudder running through the older boy’s body. His vision whited out, breath catching hard in his throat.

Coming back down his body felt like it was humming, feeling every slightest movement but at the same time not being overly aware of what was going on. He felt sticky and sweaty in a gross kind of way, but had no desire to move. Cougar’s hands were rubbing against the small of his back, gentle, soothing, and despite the mess, Jensen really didn’t want to move. He could still feel Cougar inside him, though focusing on that made him acutely aware of the ache; deep inside him, in his lower back, the cramping in the knees and calf muscles. He tried not the think about it, but once he’d noticed it, there was no ignoring it.

“Ugh, fuck.” Jensen groaned, pushing himself up with one arm, trying to extend his legs. He felt Cougar slip out of him, an odd sensation that left him bereft and empty in its wake, then one hand hooked under his knee and with the extra push, he rolled off and collapsed onto the bed.

Cougar hovered over the younger boy, worry creasing his face. The good feelings from a post-coital haze were quickly dissipating, replaced by concern for the younger boy. He didn’t touch him though, afraid of doing the wrong thing. “ _Parlanchín_? Are you okay?”

Jensen opened one eye carefully, peering out between his eyelashes at the other boy. Things hurt, but nothing too bad. It was slowly settling into a dull ache, but oddly enough it felt kind of good in a way. He felt utterly debauched; wrung out and used, but it was Cougar and that made it feel incredible.

“I’m okay. God, I feel gross.” Jensen raised his head slightly, looking down at the mess, then, glancing at Cougar, he couldn’t help but blush. An almost identical mess of his semen covered both their chests and stomachs. “We’re both a fucking mess.”

Cougar smiled in relief, leaning down to kiss the younger boy softly. For something he’d actively tried to avoid all year, he couldn’t get enough of kissing Jake now that he’d started. Sliding back off the bed, he padded over to the bathroom, disposing of the condom in the trash bin under the sink, grabbing one of the cloths off the rack, rinsing it out and wiping the mess off his chest. Rinsing the cloth again, Cougar returned to the bedroom, pausing to look at the younger boy, lying on the bed, knees pulled up slightly, one arm draped over his eyes, glasses hanging loosely from his fingers.

He crossed over the bed, touching Jensen’s knee lightly so not to startle him, before using the cloth to clean up the younger boy as well. Discarding the cloth on the floor, Cougar took the glasses from Jensen’s hand and carefully set them aside on the small table between the beds.

Jensen lifted his arm away, blinking blurrily up at the older boy, offering him a sleepy lopsided smile. “Don’t you dare think about sleeping in that other bed, I don’t care how small this bed is, because, fuck it, I want you in this bed, and I want you to bloody well cuddle me. Because this isn’t just sex. Okay? I’m not going to let this just be sex”

Cougar could hear the fire in Jensen’s voice, feeling relief roll through him. It was good to see the younger boy trying to fight for what he wanted. Not that Cougar had had any intention of sleeping anywhere else.

He tugged the comforter and sheet down, Jensen having to shift around on the bed to free them from under him, making noises of protest every time he moved. Cougar clambered onto the bed beside the younger boy, pulling the sheet back up to cover them both, and flipping off the light with the switch that was beside the bed.

As the room sank into darkness, Cougar lay down, feeling Jensen fit himself against his body, head on his chest, one arm around his waist. Wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s shoulder, Cougar pressed a kiss to blond hair, rubbing one hand slowly over Jake’s back.

“I meant it, you know, I really think I love you.” Jensen whispered, breath ghosting across Cougar’s chest. “I know that it was a terrible time to say it, and I’m really kinda hazy on the details of what constitutes love, but you make me feel so much, and I only want you. I’ve never wanted anyone else before you came along, now it’s only you.”

Cougar let the words sink in for a moment, tightening his hold on the younger boy, in case he had any fears of being pushed away. He didn’t want Jensen to be with anyone else, the other boy was his now, only his. Maybe he didn’t know what love was either, but one things he knew with certainty was that he’d hurt anyone who tried to use or hurt Jake; he’d protect him as much as he could and make sure that he was happy and safe. It had to count for something. “ _Creo que te quiero demasiado_.”

“What’s that?” There was confusion in the younger boy’s voice, edged with fear, not understanding what had been said and obviously expecting the worst.

“I think I love you too.”


	10. Before They Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter! Excited? I know I am. This story has been interesting to write. When I started it, I had no idea where I was going with it, but, I think, in the end, it has turned out pretty well. Not the best, but still something I am mildly proud of. 
> 
> Chapter beta'd by quandong_crumble.  
> There was also plenty of hand holding by Cougars_catnip along the way. The last four chapters would not have happened without her patient prompting and support. 
> 
> Chapter title: Before They Knew - The Butterfly Effect

The room was already light when Cougar woke up; sunlight crept in through the small window in the bathroom, edging around the door which had been left open. The air conditioner unit still rattled away in the room and, at some point during the night, the comforter had been pulled up to cover their legs.

Cougar propped himself up on his elbows, looking over at the figure beside him. Jensen lay on his stomach, one arm tucked under his head in lieu of a pillow, face turned away. The sheet was bunched around his waist, one leg kicked out, foot hanging off the side of the bed. Given the cramped space, Cougar thought it was lucky that neither of them had pushed the other out of the bed at any stage.

The pure morning light brought out details that Cougar had failed to see in the artificial light the night before. From the angle he was on, he could see silvery lines that crisscrossed over the middle of Jensen’s back, old and faded, but the scars were still there.

The now familiar flare of protectiveness burned inside him, half berating himself for never noticing them before, ignoring the fact that he’d only had the chance the night before.

He rolled over onto his side, reaching out to carefully trace his fingers along the pale lines, barely brushing each with his fingertips. Cougar noticed the shudder that ran through the younger boy, the way he squirmed away from the touch, flipping over on the bed in one awkward movement. Shoving his hand away, Jensen stared up the older boy with wide, panicked eyes that didn’t seem to really be seeing him.

Cougar retracted his hand, keeping deliberately still, not wanting to spook the younger boy. Jensen wasn’t really there, he could tell, he looked haunted, lost and confused, and in that moment, so very young and vulnerable. Cougar couldn’t help but wonder how long Jake’s life had been a mess, how long he’d been dealing with whatever shit it was that he’d been dealt.

" _Parlanchín?_ ”

Jensen blinked once, and Cougar knew it was safe. He wriggled closer, wrapping one arm around the younger boy’s shoulders and pulling him close. He pressed his lips to his forehead, holding Jake closer. He could feel the slightly desperate breath against his throat, the clutch and scrabble of fingers against his chest, and he couldn’t help the guilt that was building. He’d down something wrong; he’d startled the boy, bringing back memories that were obviously best forgotten.

“It’s okay. I got you.”

Repeating the phrase from the night before calmed the frantic breathing against his skin, the hands stilled against his chest. Jake just lay there limp, worn out even though he’d just woken up. Cougar wanted to ask, wanted to demand, wanted to wring the answers out of the boy until he knew everything that made Jake so messed up, made him who he was. But he couldn’t do that. The likelihood that it’d hurt the younger boy was too high and he wouldn’t, couldn’t, do that.

“Fuck.” The single, drawn out, breathy word broke the silence. Jensen buried his head against the older boy’s neck, squeezing his eyes shut as though that alone would fight off the unwanted memories. He couldn’t remember what he’d been dreaming about, but he’d woken to a hand on his back, directly on that one section he tried not to think about, and somehow his mind had translated that gentle touch to something far more sinister.

He didn’t want to think about it though. Didn’t want to remember the bite of leather into his skin. Didn’t want to think about those first few months after Jess had gone, those dreadful months before he got quicker, better at making himself scarce, and good at drowning in the silence of that house. He couldn’t stand the quiet, but he had to, because, there at least, it was so much safer than noise.

Jake didn’t want the memories, he didn’t want the unspoken questions he could practically feel radiating out of Cougar, and he didn’t particularly want the older boy’s pity. He’d gotten out. He’d managed that himself. Maybe Carlos had helped save him from himself, given him something to hang onto, but he wasn’t some damsel in distress. He hadn’t needed anyone to come in and save him from his father. He’d managed to do that all on his own. So he didn’t need the pity. He needed a distraction. To quell the overwhelming urge he had to tell the older boy everything, spill those few dirty little secrets that Cougar didn’t know yet.

Pulling back, Jensen couldn’t quite meet the other’s gaze, feeling the intensity of it without even having to see it. The need for a distraction, for noise, had him opening his mouth and saying the first stupid thing that came to his mind. “Heh, we’re still naked. Did you want to go again, before we leave?”

As much as he wouldn’t have minded some sort of physical distraction, to be able to shut off his brain even for a handful of minutes, Jake hoped Cougar would say no. There was still a tenderness to his body, not quite an ache, but enough that it was going to make sitting in a car all day interesting.

Cougar took his face between his hands, drew him back closer and kissed him, so cautiously, so tenderly, that Jake had to push back into it, turn it filthy and hard because he didn’t need the pity. He didn’t want Cougar’s pity. He didn’t need that. He wanted everything else the older boy had to offer, even if it scared the shit out of him. He’d admitted how he felt, and sure, it had worked out for him, he got what he wanted, but once he had Cougar, he had no idea what to do. He didn’t do relationships, he’d never had the chance. He did blow jobs in toilet cubicles, in back rooms at parties, behind the sports shed and in the front seat of Wade’s truck. Wade had been the closest thing to something steady in his life, and if Cougar hadn’t come along and just been so much better and a whole lot more appealing, he probably would have ended up letting Wade fuck him and use him, and he’d probably never have escaped that shit hole.

He loved Cougar, he was pretty sure of that, and he needed him, because it was the first time in years that it felt like he had something to make an effort for. He might need the older boy, the love, the attention, but he didn’t need the pity. If Cougar wanted to use him, he’d happily let him, just as long as he wasn’t discarded afterwards. And he wasn’t. Cougar was still in bed with him and had driven half way across the country with him, for him. And maybe he was scared shitless, but for the first time in his life, it felt like he was scared for all the right reasons. It was a good feeling, because he finally had something he wanted.

“Will you tell me who did this to you?” Cougar whispered the question against the top of Jake’s head, wanting, more than anything, to find the person he had hurt  _his_  Jake and inflict serious pain upon them. He knew it was the wrong thing to say as he felt the younger boy go rigid in his arms, hands pushing into his chest as though he wanted to get away.

“What does it even matter? We got away. I don’t have to deal with this shit anymore. As if you haven’t worked it out already anyway.” Jake pushed away from the older boy, trying to squash down the feeling of betrayal the question caused. It was more the fact that he knew Cougar cared but still asked that bothered him. That and his mind betraying him because he wanted to tell Cougar. He wanted someone else to know, someone to prove they cared, but he didn’t need rescuing, or pity. And as safe as it made him feel, he didn’t need Cougar beating anyone else up for him.

There was that part of him that was sure Cougar would be disgusted with him if he knew all the truth, despite the older boy still being there being proof enough that it’d take more than a few whole truths to chase him away.

“We should get going.” He wriggled out of the other boy’s grasp, slipped out of the bed and tried hard not to blush as he hastily pulled on some clothes.

Cougar had to take a deep breath and hold it to stop himself launching off the bed and crash tackling the younger boy to get his attention and make him tell the truth. But he knew that wouldn’t do any good. Jensen had freaked out the first time he’d seen the bruises; he still remembered the way the boy had stormed out if his house. It’d probably pay off if he waited patiently for Jake to simply tell him, even if he had to wait a long time. It wouldn’t do well to try and force an answer out of him.

That thought in mind, the older boy climbed out of the bed himself, rather regretting the loss of its comfortable but tiny mattress. He hoped that it wouldn’t be the last time he got to sleep next to Jake, because he was quickly becoming used to the idea and liked having the younger boy around.

* * *  
From his hunched position, low down in the passenger seat, Jensen watched the reflector posts flick past and the more distant scenery that seemed to move slower the further out it got. His knees were tucked against his chest, bare feet resting on the dashboard while his shoes lay forgotten in the foot well.

They’d driven most of the day, Cougar first, then Jake for a little while after they’d stopped for lunch until the traffic started to pick up and they’d seen a police car heading in the opposite direction. Jensen had held his breath until it disappeared from view, part of him sure they’d get pulled over and there’d be nothing stopping the police from taking him back to his father. He didn’t want to think about his father, but part of him wondered if the man had even bothered to look for him, if he’d tried to file a missing persons report. He was pretty sure that Cougar’s parents would have.

He couldn’t help but wonder, trying to sneak glances at Cougar as though he wasn’t really, if the older boy had any regrets. If he regretted leaving home without a word to his parents, if he regretted not stopping to get in contact with them. Maybe he regretted the previous night in the motel room and the words they’d said to each other. He knew Cougar hadn’t been lying when he said he might love him, Cougar wouldn’t do that to him, not now, not after everything, but it didn’t mean he understood it any better.

Jake could understand loving Cougar; there was so much there to like, not just because the older boy tolerated him and actually seemed to like spending time with him. But loving Jake Jensen? That was a more difficult idea to swallow. Not even his own family loved him. His mother might have, but he didn’t remember her. His sister had up until she left, and he was hoping that she still had it in her; that she’d really just run away from their father and not him too.

But Cougar loved him. For whatever reason. And he wasn’t about to argue with that. Which was why he couldn’t forget the look Cougar had given him when they went to get in the car, right before he kissed him, outside where the whole world could see, as though he wasn’t ashamed to be seen with someone as messed and used as he was. That look that said ‘I want to know everything, trust me enough to tell me’.

It made him all the more tempted. Not to mention that the cab of the truck had descended into silence since the last radio station they’d been listening to had faded to static. Cougar had stopped him when he’d tried to find a new station, catching his hand and squeezing his fingers with the soft request that Jake talk to him, to keep him awake.

He’d talked for an hour about nothing of substance, not even aware what he was saying half the time, just knowing his mouth was moving.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when his filter stopped working entirely. He’d been talking about something useless and trivial, but his mind kept looping back to the look Cougar had given him, the angry worry he’d shown when he’d first seen the bruises, or the way his lips had lingered on the marred skin the night before. Jake wanted to tell him, because it was so fucking obvious he cared. But he’d had years of hiding bruises or making up excuses. He’d never made up excuses to tell the older boy, though, he realised; it was as though he’d always planned on telling him one day. That was probably why the words tumbled so easily out of his mouth.

“It was my father.”

He never thought someone could get more quiet than Cougar already had been, but the words echoed around them and Cougar was so silent Jake was tempted to look to make sure he was still there and hadn’t just disappeared leaving the truck to drive itself. 

But he didn’t look, he just stared out the window and flinched away when Cougar’s hand touched his shoulder. He didn’t really want comfort and pity. He didn’t want Cougar to stop driving. So he kept talking.

“I must have been so blind as a kid. I never saw it. He must have been laying into my sister too. That’s why she left. But I never noticed. He didn’t touch me until after she left. I still have no idea if she just ran away or if he sent her away. But I don’t think she would have left me if she’d known he start taking it out on me.” Jake swallowed nervously, licking his lips. He did believe that. That Jess wouldn’t have left him behind if she thought he’d cop it in her stead. “It was worse at the beginning. The, the, um, scars are from his belt. I’d come home after school I’d have to sit in the living room, real still, and if I moved, or talked, I got it. I got better at it, at being still and quiet, at home anyway, then I got better at not being there.

“I don’t know if people noticed and just didn’t care, or if they all believed my bullshit stories. I talked all the time away from the house so people would not focus on the new black eye, or busted lip. And people stopped asking. They stopped pretending to care. Except Wade and Max. I think they just picked me as an easy target. They invited me to this party a couple years back. It was stupid to go. Max was a senior and Wade was some football prodigy who everyone wanted to be. Stupid to think that they wanted anything to do with me.”

He let silence fill the vehicle again, but it was anything but silent in his head. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell Cougar the next bit, didn’t want to risk him thinking so much less if him. It was bad enough finally telling him about his father, but Cougar was still there, still driving, and just listening, not interrupting, not having an opinion, just listening. And that was what he needed.

“It started with helping Wade with his homework. He asked me one day for help, even though I was a year younger than him, but he was sucking at Math, and I offered to tutor him. It gave me an excuse not to go straight home after school, and I could save up money, since I wasn’t about to do it for free. But somewhere along the lines it turned into me simply doing his work for him, maybe I had no patience to deal with him, I don’t remember. But then there was the party.” Jake tried pulling his knees even closer to his chest; he felt the need for some kind of protection. Protection against his own childish naivety. “I don’t remember much. There was a room, with Max and a bunch of his senior friends, I think it was the first time Wade had been in there, certainly not the last anyway.

“I can’t remember, probably don’t want to remember, what happened in that room. But the next day I wake up feeling like shit, and when I got back to school Monday, I knew people were talking about me. Not a good feeling. I kinda got the gist of what went on when Wade asked me to suck his dick again, the next time I was around at his place. And you know those times when no just isn’t a viable answer? When no would lead to a whole world of pain and suffering. So I told him it’d cost him. Figured if it was gonna happen anyway, it might as well be on my terms, with something in it for me. I was just a dumb kid. Still am. By the time you started at school, I didn’t want to do that stuff anymore. I just didn’t know how to stop. Then you came along, and I didn’t want to do that stuff with anyone but you. Romantic as all hell, I know.”

Cougar tried to swallow down the anger and disgust the coiled inside him. Neither of those would do Jake any good, even though neither emotion was directed at the younger boy. He wanted to bundle Jake up somewhere safe and then drive all the way back across the country and exact revenge upon Wade and Max and Jensen’s father and anyone else who had dared to touch  _his_  Jake over the years. He wanted to hold him and comfort him and make promises of forever that would be unrealistic and impossible to keep. He wanted curl around Jake like some kind of protective layer and make sure he knew that the past didn’t matter anymore, that they’d make a new and better life together, if that is what Jake wanted.

He reached over, pushing his fingers into the hair at the back of Jake’s head, feeling the way the younger boy pushed back against his hand, and he just tried to convey all that he was feeling and thinking in one touch. He wasn’t going anywhere and he certainly didn’t think any less of Jake. He was just glad he’d gotten out of there. Jake’s life had been shitty and unfair so far, and Cougar hoped that it’d get better. It had to get better.  


	11. Landslide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to quandong_crumble for all her effort in beta'ing this story, and for putting up with my whinging and bugging her to beta faster.   
> Also to Cougars_catnip for the cheerleading and hand-holding on the last few chapters, it never would have got to this point without her. Also for just her general belief that this was worth reading, and all the comments she's posted along the way.   
> Big thanks to everyone else who has read, commented, kudosed and bookmarked this story along the way. I hope you have enjoyed reading this story. I've enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Chapter title: Landslide - The Butterfly Effect

It was the morning of the fifth day that they drove into Springfield. Jensen wasn’t really sure what to expect, hadn’t really planned that far ahead. They stopped at a cafe for breakfast, and once the post office next door had opened, Jake went in there to trawl through their phone book, finding nothing on his sister, but he managed to find an address and number for an L & J Porteous. It was as good a start as any, way he saw it, if anyone was going to know where his sister was, it was going to be Pooch and Jolene.

Cougar drove to the address Jake had found, stopping just down and across the street from it. The younger boy sat in the car for a few long minutes after the engine had shut off, silent and not quite looking at the house. Cougar could practically hear the internal freak out that the blond was having, could see the war of emotions skittering across his face, the uncertainty, the apprehension, the hope, the fear. He could see Jake flagging and knew if they didn’t make a move soon, he’d lose his nerve altogether and want to get out of there.

Taking the keys from the ignition, Cougar jumped down from the vehicle, rounding to the other side and opened the passenger door. Jake didn’t acknowledge him, so he grabbed hold of the boy’s knees and dragged him around until Jake was facing him. He could almost hear the plea of ‘let’s get out of here’ that was written plainly in the younger boy’s eyes.  Taking both of Jake’s hands in his, Cougar gave a gentle tug, trying to encourage him out of the car.

“Don’t give up now. We’ve come too far.”

Jake nodded once, fixing his eyes on the house with a new found determination. “You’re right. But what if they don’t know where she is? What if they don’t want to tell me? What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

Cougar dragged the younger boy out of the car and kissed him as soon as his feet were on the ground, shutting him up. “What ifs are pointless.”

Jake tried for a sheepish smile but ended up just chewing on the inside of his bottom lip nervously. He waited as Cougar locked up the truck and they approached the house together. There was a half formed thought in his mind, tucked behind all the other noise, that he could hold Cougar’s hand, for comfort, to stop himself turning and running, to make sure Cougar stayed with him. He made an aborted attempt, but let his hand drop back down to his side again. It was a silly notion. Cougar didn’t exactly seem the type to hold hands.

They were at the front door all too soon, and part of Jake hoped no one was home, even though there were two cars parked in the drive. He hesitated, long enough that Cougar nudged him in the ribs, before ringing the doorbell.

The door opened a moment later and a woman smiled politely at them. There was no doubt in Jake’s mind that it was Jolene, even though it had been years since he’d seen her. Her hair was longer, and she wasn’t wearing braces, but it was Jolene. The polite smile faded to a puzzled look as she glanced between the two boys, her eyes widening as she focused on Jake.

“Jakey?” She breathed out the old nickname, one hand reaching out slowly, cupping his cheek, thumb brushing over the bruise beneath his eye. “Oh, Jesus, it is you. Jess! Jess!”

Jake’s heart slammed against his ribs as Jolene turned only slightly, her hand dropping away from his face, and called out his sister’s name back into the house.

“What you hollering for, Jo, you wake up Beth and you can deal with her.” The voice preceded the blond woman who appeared in the hallway a moment later. “What’s the problem? If it’s Matt just tell him to frig off.”

Cougar watched the newcomer walk towards them and knew instantly that she had to be Jake’s sister, the resemblance was uncanny, same hair colour, same blue eyes, even the same frown, brows pinched together.  He took a step closer to Jake when Jess stopped, freezing in place a few feet behind the woman who’d opened the door. He wasn’t sure if he needed to be closer to stop Jake from bolting, or be there in case he needed protecting. The younger boy was trembling ever so slightly and Cougar didn’t need to look at him to know it was as much fear of rejection as it was anticipation. It was tempting to reach out and comfort Jake, but given the way both women’s eyes kept flickering suspiciously over to him, he didn’t think it’d be the best idea.

“No way. No fucking way.” The words escaped Jess in a pained groan. “What are you doing here? Don’t tell me he’s here too. It’s really you, isn’t it? God, shit. Jesus H Christ. Jake?”

Jensen flinched, tried to smile, and suddenly, he didn’t care if Cougar was the hand holding type or not, he needed something to ground him. He snatched up the older boy’s hand in his, grip so tight he was pretty sure he heard Cougar wince. He swallowed, tried again to smile and a noise bubbled out if his throat that could have been a laugh but it was so mangled and scared and sounded like as quick as it came out of his mouth it was trying to crawl back inside again. “Hi Jessie.”

Jolene cleared her throat, seeing the potential for everything to go south very quickly. “Come inside, Jake. Go through to the living room.”

There were another couple of moments where no one moved, before Jess took a few steps back and disappeared through a doorway. Jolene ushered the two boys inside and directed them to follow Jess. Jake didn’t let go of Cougar’s hand, but the older boy didn’t mind, his thumb stroking across the back of Jake’s hand in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

Jess paced back and forth in front of the couch, glancing up when they entered the room. “Well? Where’s dad?”

Cougar felt the growing urge to cross the room and shake the woman, he didn’t care that she was older than him, he wanted to make her see what her words were doing. This wasn’t the reunion that Jake had hoped for; it wasn’t the reunion that Cougar had expected. He could appreciate the fact that despite having run away years ago that maybe Jess was still scared of her father, but her blatant ignorance to Jake’s condition and the effect her words were having was unacceptable. But he wasn’t about to leave Jake’s side, not with the way the younger boy was clinging desperately to his hand, he had to settle with levelling the sister with an unimpressed glare instead.

“It’s just me. He’s at home. Doesn’t even know where I am.” Jake fidgeted, shuffling from one foot to the other and sending desperate glances to Cougar. It wasn’t too late to turn and leave, it was pretty obvious that Jess didn’t want him there. “I ran away.”

Jess stopped pacing. “Why?”

“Jesus, Jess, look at him.”

They all flinched at the sound of Jolene’s voice, but Jess’s eyes finally settled in Jake’s face, as though she was really seeing him for the first time.

“Hell, Jake.” She whispered, taking a slow step towards her younger brother. “I was hoping you’d just got into fights.”

“Get into plenty of those too.” Jake scoffed, shuffling a little closer to Cougar. He needed a distraction, something to take the focus off of his bruises. Only Cougar had earned the level of trust it took to talk about them. “It’s just me, and Cougs. Jess, this is Carlos, but we call him Cougar. Cougar this is Jess, my sister, and that’s Jolene. Cougar drove me here, helped me drive here, whatever, he’s awesome, and sorta my… boyfriend?”

Cougar felt all eyes on him, but all he could focus on was the boy next to him, so hesitant and looking as though he was expecting rejection again. He nodded, because that was close enough to what they were. “ _Si, mi amor_.”

“Boyfriend. Okay? Right. Yep, always figured you were a bit odd.” Jess mumbled, rubbing her hands over her face.

“Jessica Maria Jensen!” Jolene stepped further into the room, not so subtly putting herself between the Jensen siblings.

“What, Jol? What do you expect me to say? My baby brother rocks up on your door step, and is all ‘I took your place as daddy dearest’s punching bag, and by the way, I’m gay.’ How am I supposed to react to that? I’ve got a dead beat ex I’m trying to avoid and a baby to look after.” Jess glanced at her brother, cringing at the hurt look in his eyes and the murderous look the boyfriend was giving her. “I’m here ‘cause I can barely look after myself. How am I supposed to look after Jake too? It’s all my fault that he looks like that in the first place!”

“Jess, don’t say that.” Jolene started, watching as her friend’s face started to crumple.

“Oh sweet Jesus.” Jess took another few steps towards Jake, dodging around Jolene, reaching out both hands hesitantly, close to, but not touching, his face. “It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry Jakey.”

Jake was frozen again. Cougar could feel him trembling through their joined hands. Jess took another step closer, her hands falling to rest of Jake’s shoulders and the grip on Cougar’s hand tightened.

“You were just a little kid, I couldn’t have taken you with me.” Jess’s breath hitched in a sob, hands bunching around the fabric of her brother’s tee shirt. “I’m so sorry. I had to get away. I never thought he’d touch you. You were just a kid.”

Jake felt her hands curl around the back of his neck, Jess pulling herself closer to him, then, with a wretched sob, she was hugging him tightly, face buried against his neck. He didn’t know what to do, this wasn’t the Jess he remembered, the loving, caring, strong big sister. She was so broken. So messed up. Just like he was.

He wrapped his free arm around her back, because it seemed like the right thing to do, but he never let go of Cougar’s hand. They were family, Jess was his sister, they were meant to look out for each other, but he’d failed because he’d never known. And she’d left.

“I’m sorry, Jakey, I shouldn’t have left you behind, but I couldn’t take you, he’d never have let us both go. I thought you’d be okay.”

He was supposed to forgive her, tell her everything was okay now they had each other, but it wasn’t a fucking fairy tale, and he didn’t really forgive her; he understood why she’d left, but she’d left him behind, in that house. “You left. You could have stayed. We could have figured something out. Maybe, I don’t know, but we could have tried. You didn’t have to leave me there with them.”

Jake realised what he’d said as soon as he felt Jess tense up, his brain already back peddling, trying to find something else to say, to distract her, but she’d pulled back, and was staring up at him with that look that had always made his incapable of lying as a child. But he didn’t want to tell her about Max, or Wade and his friends, not yet, not then. He was clinging onto Cougar’s hand so tightly that he’d be surprised if they ever separated again. The urge to run was coming back, but Cougar’s hand in his, the solid presence of him at his side, it grounded him, gave him the strength to face down that expression on Jess’ face. He might be messed up, but hell if he wasn’t going to be strong enough to keep that to himself.

Just when he thought it’d never end, a screeching cry came from somewhere else in the house. Jess tensed, then sighed and stepped back away from him, hastily wiping at her cheeks as though she didn’t want anyone to know she’d been crying.

“That’d be your niece,” Jess gave him a tentative smile, one that clearly said they still needed to work on being siblings again, but it’d have to wait. “I’ll be right back.”

Jess slipped out the room, leaving the boys standing there in the middle of the living room under the watchful eye of Jolene. After a moment, Jolene stepped up to Jake and touched his arm gently, not sure if any more contact was a good idea.

“She didn’t forget you, you know, she just didn’t know how to go back for you.”

Jake nodded and plastered on a grin that made Cougar’s skin crawl. “Yeah, well, I followed her instead, so she doesn’t have to worry about it. Really hadn’t planned this far ahead, kind of a spur of the moment thing, never figured out what we’d do once we got here. Probably thought it’d be some fairy tale ending, we’d all get a happy ever after, but that’s never going to happen. We should go. Hey, Cougs? Should go, find somewhere to stay.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jacob Jensen.” Jolene cut in, glancing between the two boys and taking in the dishevelled, travelled look they both had going. “There’s a spare room here, stay a couple days at least, Jake, give you and Jess some time together, get to know Beth. Pooch is coming home on leave in a few days, but it’d be nice to have men around the house before then.”

It would have been easy to decline, to go find a hotel and hide out there with Cougar until they figured out what they were going to do, but Jake knew that he should stop running away. He needed to stay. If not for himself or Jess, then for Beth. He’d promised himself when he first saw the birth notice that he’d be there for her, and make sure she never wanted for anything. That she’d never know what it felt like to be alone and unloved. It was those thoughts in his mind that made him nod his head hesitantly, glancing at Cougar for confirmation. The older boy squeezed his hand, one corner of his lips quirking up. They’d stay, and would see what happened.

Jolene showed them through to the spare room, set up with two single beds, but after a couple of nights in the back of the truck they looked far too inviting. On the way back out to the vehicle to get the few belongings they brought with them, Jensen paused at another door, looking into the room.

Jess sat in a chair by the window, a small bundle in her arms, silent and content again. She looked up as Jake stopped in the doorway, giving him a tentative smile and beckoning him into the room with a tilt of her chin. With an encouraging push in the back from Cougar, Jake stepped carefully into the room, crossing over to his sister to peer down at the tiny form in her arms.

Beth blinked up at him, eyes pale blue grey and unfocused, cheeks pink and forehead all scrunched up. Jake could only stare at her for a moment, somewhere between fascinated and freaked out by just how tiny she was, so small and fragile looking, and so perfect, in that odd, slightly ugly, baby kind of way. He reached out slowly, brushing his knuckles against the top of her head.

“She’s so tiny.”

Jess huffed a laugh, feeling the surge of pride that went through her at the look of her brother’s face. There was still so much they had to work on, the guilt of leaving him behind still gnawing at her every time she saw the bruise under his eyes and against the side of his nose, or the split lip that looked like it pulled too tight when he forced a smile. They’d get there. They’d have to. “She’s grown a lot, would you believe. Want to hold her?”

Jake quickly glanced over his shoulder, making sure that Cougar was still there in the doorway, before nodding. Jess directed his hands, indicating how he should put his arms, then, carefully, she transferred Beth over to him. He hadn’t quite expected the weight, but quickly adjusted his hold to cradle his niece close to his chest. There was something so precious about her that he never wanted to let her go, wanted to stay close to her forever to make sure she was safe. He and Jess might have to build up to being family again, but Beth, she was instantly family, and he knew he’d do anything for her. It wasn’t a fairy tale ending, Jake knew that, but he’d found Jess, they had a chance to mend their relationship, a chance they’d never have had if he hadn’t left. He had Cougar, somehow, for reasons that still escaped him, the older boy was still there, and hopefully he’d stick around longer. And then there was Beth, and how one tiny human could make everything else, all the shit he’d been through, seem worth it, he didn’t know, but he’d take it and run with it while he had the chance.

There was still so much left unfinished, so much that was still broken. Things weren’t perfect. They’d run away, driven across the country to find someone Jake hadn’t seen in years. There was no way things could be perfect after that, but they could work towards it.

Cougar knew that Jess’ guilt would eventually fade as Jake pushed through all the shit from his past that still lingered. And Jake would eventually forgive her, once he started to forget the bad stuff. They’d find that relationship that they’d had as children and look out for each other like siblings should.

Jake was still so messed up, he still shielded himself from those that cared, still got that look in his eyes as though he expected people to only want to use him. He still grinned too easily, in that way that never reached his eyes, but there were real smiles more and more frequently, and Cougar would try hard to get those smiles.

No, it wasn’t a fairy tale, but it was a damn sight better than what things would have been if they hadn’t left. His future was going to involve the army and that messed up blond kid he’d promised to look after. He’d take care of Jake the best he could, and Cougar knew that was a fair job to take on, but Jess was there as well, and they’d get to the point where no one would even know all the shit the younger boy had been through.

And as Cougar stood there in the door way, watching Jake holding Beth in his arms, a look of complete wonder and determination on his face as he gazed at that tiny delicate little girl, he knew that they’d be alright. He’d get better and make something of his life. Jensen looked up at him, a huge, real, grin splitting his face, tears in his eyes and Cougar found himself smiling back, because it wasn’t the split lip or the black eye, the bruises under the shirt, the memory of that room at the party or the look in Jared’s eyes that he focused on. And, that, right there, that meant things would get better.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm implying some pretty nasty stuff. I do not in anyway endorse any illegal or morally bad activity that takes place in this story. It just somehow had to be written this way.


End file.
